A brief review of Funny People...

... by my little cousin, Nick.

The Rundown

It's amazing what you can accomplish in one week. Including, but not limited to:

• Playing in four states (MA, RI, CT, NY)
• Bringing joy to all grandparents (and one aunt)
• Witnessing your brother win third and first place in a big tournament in a casino
• Making new friends and connections
• Sleeping in no less than four different locations
• Mastering two new CDs during travel
• Visiting many (but not all) friends from college and work
• Verbally assaulting friends who have failed to keep in contact
• Swimming in a pool for the first time in two years (and having diving and splashing wars with your brother for the first time in a looong time)
• Observing the zoo that is Long Island and Jones Beach
• Celebrating a holiday
• Jamming to a live band
• Devouring some Dunkin and Uburger
• Staying out past midnight

... and more. Good times! Steve was a fantastic host. Heading for my last night in Boston then early to the airport for a long day of travel back to D-town.

I hope the airports have free WIFI like the commuter rail!

First person to find me a friend WINS!

I have printed a couple hundred copies of the card above. It's time to take drastic measures. [Feel free to print and distribute.]

Last Saturday, we had another high school graduation party to attend. With each graduation party, the level of embarrassment increases several notches. Here are some scenes from that night.

SCENE ONE:

(Maria, mom and dad enter the house and fill their plates with food. Mom and dad choose a table outside while Maria retrieves a drink. She plucks a Coke from a big blue cooler and scans the area for her parents. She spots her father taking a seat and approaches the table to discover that the only free chair is at the end of the table across from an elderly couple.)

Maria: (whispers to herself) Sweet.

(Maria occupies the vacant seat facing an elderly man perpendicular to his wife.)

Elderly woman: Oh hello! My name is Judy. Yes, you look like a Maria. I have awesome stories and was one of the first people to ever purchase contact lenses for which I had to take out a loan.

(Maria and Judy share stories and giggle with each other until Judy leaves for another party... But not without swapping e-mail addresses with her new best friend.)

SCENE TWO:

(Maria walks across the yard clutching her cold beer thinking to herself, "Thank GOD for liquor.")

Drunk woman: I'm sorry. I have to ask. (Quiets to a whisper and squeezes one eye shut) How ooold are you?

Maria: (exasperated) TWENTY-TWO! I should just start wearing my license around my neck.

(Maria continues on her path walking past her brother and his hoodlum wrestling friends.)

Tyler: SHAVE YOUR BEARD!

SCENE THREE:

(Maria, mom and dad are standing in a circle with the hostess of the party talking about life.)

Mrs. S: So how's being home?

Maria: Oh it's nice. Lots of down time.

Mom: Yea, it's just hard for her because she has no friends here.

Dad: She went from being in college with all her friends to being here with us. She needs some friends here.

(Maria purses her lips and raises her eyebrows. This story has been repeated too many times. She takes a sip from her beer and doesn't notice the wheels spinning inside Mrs. S' head.)

Mrs. S: (grabs Maria's hand and drags her to a circle of six older people.) THIS is Maria. She is a wonderful girl who just graduated college and has no friends here. Maria, (she points to one woman) this is my cousin. She has a very nice son who just graduated Michigan State. Talk to each other.

(Maria feels awkward conversing with Mrs. S' cousin. Everyone in the circle enjoys the spectacle of a friendless stranger being set up with an absent relative. They laugh often and lean in to hear all about Maria.)

Cousin 1: Well, why don't you give me your number and I'll give it to Tommy for when he comes back!

(Maria hands the woman a small piece of torn paper with her name and number on it and scampers away imagining Tommy's laughter when his mom hands him her number. Later that night, the cousins stand in unison and gather their belongings.)

Strange man: Did my wife get your number?

Like father, like daughter.

When I was little, my dad used to call my feet pontoons. Apparently they were abnormally large for my size. A couple decades later, his ability to make fun of me using creative nagging techniques has only sharpened. "Moose and I," he chuckles as I struggle to haul my bike up the garage stairs after a long ride. That's not even a fraction of it.

(Dad harassing me from a very young age)

There are too many great memories, milestones and quirks of my family to list. Nevertheless, I will copy Tara and share a few goodies about my dad in honor of Father's Day.

......

1. If there is ever any mention of a guy in my life (which, thanks to my overprotective siblings and an unfortunate abundance of psychos out there, rarely happens) my dad has but one important question: Can he skate? Regardless of the answer, Test #1 for any prospective suitor will be doled out in an ice rink with hockey sticks. And probably no pads.

(Dad after a hockey game in winter '08 with one of his leagues.)

2. One of our favorite things to do, especially recently, is bike ride. We explore the town, philosophize, people-watch and guess how much houses for sale cost. We also have water fights that usually don't end well for me.

3. Our favorite game to play is Guess The Song. We compete to see who can name the band and title faster. The date of production factors into who wins but we keep each other on our toes. One Christmas, grandma gave me some of dad's old records and a record player. That's when I discovered Creedence. I haven't been the same since.

Dad and I have bonded through music since I was two and screaming "mookie!" in my car seat. Since we both appreciate different eras and types of music, I predict this game will last forever.

4. We are shopping buddies. Dad understands my disdain for shopping in almost any form. I live by his motto that has been repeated to me ad nauseam: Do you love it? Only buy it if you love it. Dad and I are particularly fond of the grocery store. We enjoy discussing any deals or bargains we come by because, after all, no one should pay full price for anything.

5. We are social. My dad (like my mom) loves talking to people. Anyone. Everyone. He wants to know what people are doing, how their day is going, what makes them happy, how he can relate to them. He knows half the neighborhood and a good portion of the city (impressive considering he's lived here only two years.)

Before college I was a pretty shy kid. I hated it when dad made me talk to people. "Speak up!" He'd demand. My first day of orientation at Boston University was horrifying. I knew no one. Didn't know Boston. Had only been to the school once before.

Dad and grandpa brought me to Rich Hall for orientation. I tried to stall their departure but eventually dad pointed to three kids, told me to go introduce myself and said goodbye. After cursing him in my head and watching him walk away, I slowly walked up to the group of kids. They didn't notice me coming, which made it more awkward. "Are you guys here for orientation?" I asked the kid closest to me as I fiddled with my lanyard. "No," he informed me and turned away. I laughed a little and walked to the cement ledge overlooking Nickerson Field.

"Well, that went well!" dad chuckled. I don't know which was more embarrassing, that I got shut down by the first group of kids I interacted with at college or that there was a witness. Dad reassured me before leaving for real. I ended up making a lot of friends at orientation and having a great time.

Needless to say, I have overcome my shyness and developed dad's ability to have good conversations with different kinds of people (though I haven't developed his eagerness to interact with every stranger he sees yet.)

(Dad protecting me from the rain before Commencement)

Most importantly (as it pertains to this blog, at least) I developed my passion for writing because of my dad.

Dad- Because you're cool, I'm not a loser. (For the most part.)

Thanks dude.

Anyone need their lawn mowed?

Aaah family dinners. A time to feast on sarcasm, insult, and Vicki's delicious home cooking.

It was at said daily gathering that we could be found devouring the spoils of a newly purchased grill when all of a sudden the door bell rang. Weary of robbers and environmentalists, mom and I sent dad to deal with the interruption. He opened the door and adjusted his gaze to the pudgy ten year old standing on our porch. Mom and I tried to decipher the child's muffled request over the crunch of our perfectly salted peas. Dad closed the door and returned to the table with a smirk on his face.

Dad: The kid wanted to mow our lawn. He and his sister were pulling a wagon with a weed whacker and some wires and tools.

Dad chuckled as he scooped up some peas with his fork.

Dad: Hey! (he pointed his fork at me) You should go ask if they have any jobs!

This is what I'm dealing with, people. Send sympathy cards.

Maria Goes to Long Island

Mrs. D flew me down last Thursday as a surprise to Erin and in turn I was surprised by the lack of guido and orange skin as Erin introduced me to Long Island.

Things I loved about Long Island:

1) Erin and her seriously fantastic family (yes, even the dog, who trapped me in a room Day One but was eating hot dogs from my plate by Sunday.)

2) Erin's crazy/hilarious/super fun friends and their fire pits and weird cars with animal noises.

3) The wheel at Billy's Bar. So exciting!

4) The water. And rocks. And shells. If I lived on Long Island I'd be down by the water every day. There were awesome lifeguard lookout towers that I refused to jump off even though they were three feet from the ground. Noelle threw rocks at me in a failed attempt to persuade me to jump. I would need to build up some courage.

5) Crazy people. Like this guy with a metal detector.

After exploring Long Island on Friday, Erin's family brought me into the city Saturday. Some switch flipped the second we started driving into the city. Attacked by the impulse to explore for hours, I annoyed my family and friends with texts declaring my wishes to move to the city right then and there.

We went into the Hershey and M&M stores where Erin and I played with giant chocolate bars and her sisters joined us in the mood detector to determine our M&M color. (Mine was Almond Mix or something. Apparently I like excitement and adventure. So true, M&M mood detector!) The machine was acting up all day; it offended Jill by telling her she is not a person who "does many things well," declared Sarah dark chocolate mix and Erin dark pink. Bizarre.

We headed toward Carmine's next. A legend in my mind, I was excited to experience what Noelle and Erin spent hours salivating over. Mr. D went in to get us a table and to everyone's surprise there was no line. He brought us in through the special door and we took our seat on the second floor. I will be dreaming about those zucchini sticks/fries/straws/pieces-of-heaven for YEARS.

After Carmine's, we walked around Times Square where we reunited with Mark.

The weather was perfect on Saturday. We walked to Central Park where we climbed a rock formation and people-watched. A ten-year-old boy hit on Erin with the sweetest pick-up line ever: Wanna climb with me? She turned him down. It was as good a time as any for him to learn about disappointment. He slid down the formation and walked off with his mom.

We experienced many strange and wonderful things walking through Central Park. A bride, a man (with a small dog) that looked like a pedophile, a man tanning in very tiny shorts, a large group of people roller skating in various outfits including (but not limited to) furry pink pants and cut-off shirts with fringe, a woman on a unicyle dancing with a man on roller skates, two Aztek-ish warring violinists in thongs, a woman making a stuffed chicken dance on her lap, and much much more.

I need to move to NYC.

Dessert was necessary after our long day. We indulged in cheesecake and chocolate cakes before seeing the hilarious off-broadway play, Altar Boyz. Is it strange that I want to download the soundtrack? We had a perfect view; our seats were four rows from the front. Erin and I were relieved to hear this showing did not involve audience participation.

We drove through the brightly lit city and I resisted the urge to jump out of the car and peek in all the restaurants and bars and apartments. I drilled Erin and her parents about life in the city, imagining myself living there.

This whole being out of college thing is kind of exciting when you realize that you can literally go anywhere. As long as there's money. And benefits. And housing. I'll save my list of living requirements for another time.

Sunday was barbeque day. Erin and Jill had a joint party for graduation and Sweet [s]Ixteen respectively. Mrs. D and the girls prepared me for the invited company as Mr. D and Sarah prepared the outdoor games and fire and the rest of us helped assemble the mounds and mounds of food Mrs. D bought.

The food was delicious (and plentiful) and the company was great. I even found a new boyfriend. James is 10. He thinks I'm 15. He's a little fresh but he's a great kickball player and super clever (he dubbed Noelle "No-LOL" without hesitation.) Sarah was the Smore master. Noelle, Erin and I ended the party around Mr. D's expertly crafted fire and then laughed in the kitchen for hours with Erin's friends.

Monday afternoon the family drove me to the airport. I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to get to know them. The trip gave me hope that even though college is over, friendships really will last forever. There's no way Erin's getting rid of me now! MUAHAHAHA.

Flying out of the city I admired the faint flicker of advertisements from Times Square imagining myself wandering amidst the skyscrapers. After a moment, clouds poured over my window leaving only my imagination to construct variations of my future.

Technology is dangerous in the hands of our elders.

Alright so it hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

When my family arrived in Boston for commencement weekend just last weekend, my dad asked me how I envisioned my first few weeks at home.

"I'll probably cry hysterically all the way home. Sleep for two days straight. Slip into a state of deep depression for about two weeks and then finally pull myself together and move on."

Surprisingly, my prediction has not come to fruition. I cried a little on the way drive home. I slept most of the way, slashing about 10 hours of the required catch-up-sleep-time from my schedule. I haven't hit the deep depression, which is the biggest shock. I thought that was a sure bet. I'm sure it's on its way. 

Once I finish season one of True Blood (which will happen tonight) and finish unpacking my life (which will not happen soon) and my family has moved on with their normal lives (which will be after the long weekend)... then I'll crawl into a dark hole for a little while.

Until then, my sole job is to shield my father from internet predators. 

I am seriously worried. 

In the car on the drive home, my dad confessed his recent addiction to online Hearts. Michael has discovered chat rooms, people. That's right. After describing the concept of an avatar (even though, to his shock, I informed him I know what an avatar is) he shared a recent experiement he's been conducting.

My father has a genderless AOL screen name. He realized that you can customize your avatar with various features. Always one to fuck with people, dad decided to make his avatar a woman. He has taken great pleasure in fooling Hearts chatroom frequenters across the nation. 

People respond differently, he told me. Men generally don't take kindly to being beaten by a room full of women. My father, one of three "women" in a chatroom with one man, chuckled softly to himself as the man typed his frustration at being beaten by women.

As if that's not bad enough. People are hitting on my father in these chat rooms. Some man asked him his age.

Sidenote: I took this opportunity to ask if anyone has A/S/L'd* him. I was comforted by his confusion. Apparently that's a generational thing that died in the 90s. I hope.

After being asked his age by a strange man, my father cleverly replied, "why do you want to know?" at which point the man left the chatroom. My father flailed his arms feeling victorious against the chatroom pervert.

It's strange that I find myself wanting to monitor my father's internet use for fear he will be taken advantage of. Although at this rate, he has all the makings of the next successful Chris Hansen. 

Parents these days.

*A/S/L = Age/Sex/Location

When words aren't enough...

... share a photo album!

(if the slideshow isn't working, go here)

Ways to save money: Text Edition

Get wise friends instead of paying for therapy

3/1 JESS The kid is clueless. Drop the zero and get with a hero... Or just find someone better with no rhyme scheme involved

4/6 JESS You can take a picture of him and upload it to the blog with using less than five words... Epic tool. P.S. Try sleeping tonight. You are too nocturnal. I'm convinced you're part bat. Not in a gross way. Just in a nocturnal way.

4/15 TARA Ew to both of those. We are surrounded by tools.

Enlist overprotective relatives as bodyguards

3/23 JOE He better not be a bitch. If shit goes down and he can't protect you OOH I'll kill him.

Only be friends with entertaining people

3/6 JESS Booty call and mom. Now that's just two things I always put together.

3/27 ROOMMATE Dear Maria, sorry I got so drunk and acted like some sort of foolish monkey.

4/1 ERIN When I get home from class can I trade you my wine glass for a ham?

4/15 CHRISTINA Pretty soon girl I'll be lathering you with oil at the Boston Commons/ BU beach

4/16 SARAH Yea I'm here already starting my night off right with dollar beers and old men.

4/19 ZACH How could you not know? He sweated carrot juice.

4/24 P.I.C. When I came into work my boss goes, your eyes are all bloodshot. I'm like, oh yea it's allergies.

5/3 ALI Tara's eating pepperoni. 

Intern at an awesome office

3/27 JESS Are you coming in today?! There is an epic amount of new snacks.

Go to hockey games (not money saving, but worth the splurge)

3/28 DAD I just saw you on TV doing the pointing thing. (READ: calling the opposition's goalie a siv.)

3/30 ALI Just showered and still feel like I smell like beer and steak tips.

4/12 JOHN Sedan or SUV? We're in a charoal grey Honda minivan. I'll be the one flashing my nips @ you.

Random cheap entertainment

David at the Dentist? Or Joe at the surgeon?

3/20 JOE Haha oh well it makes me drool Fool. Tool. Pool. Cool. Mule. What are you doing? Being cruel? Hollaaa.

25 cent wing night.

4/4 STEVE We all know you're not going to the bar for a chicken wing.

The internet.

4/6 ALI I am not meeting your weird internet friends.

It's Coming: Graduation '09

This conversation actually occurred between my family and I via e-mail.

MARIA:

It's time...

... to choose Commencement Weekend events before tickets run out.

Please visit the link describing various activities. Discuss and let me know.
(My votes are for the Senior Champagne Reception and the Riverboat Cruise.)

Hit me back yo.

STEVE:

Yeah good calls, mom wont like most of those (the ones you didn't pick).

The only other potential I can see is the: Celebration '09

Note: I'm setting my priorities based on the fact that I will be 21 for this event.

P.S - Did you read all the notes for the Riverboat Cruise?  You might not be able to get on.
"This event is not [metally] handicapped accessible."

DAD:

I vote the same as you.

MOM:

I agree!!! YO!!!

Addition to the Resume: I am multi-talented! Hire me!

Aaah the job search. Thank you, economy!

We've all read the statistics and seen the news reports. It's all I hear any more. Literally. Jess and I, while walked down Newbury for some coffee last Wednesday, were discussing our futures and the economy when literally two seconds after our first moment of silence two other women passed us talking about the economy's current suckage.

Granted, there are still jobs out there. I've read many posts and articles about this situation especially as it pertains to soon-to-be college grads and one piece of advice I keep hearing is, "don't use the bad news of the economy as an excuse to be passive in a job search."

I have found some very interesting calls for resumes. I saw on Jimmy Fallon that the job of fly keeper or some such thing exists... So I have hope.

Despite the destitute situation for those of us being kicked out of our cozy dorm lives, it is pretty exciting to picture myself in all the new cities and positions of jobs I've been applying to.

I will take this opportunity to expand my resume and suggest positions I would excel in, should a job in PR not arise.

1. Body Guard or Bouncer: I have taken several self defense classes including Shotokan Karate and Boxing. Additionally, I have two very aggressive brothers who challenge (and therefore improve) my skills. Wrestling is a passion of mine and I usually make people cry during games of Civil War. I pretend I'm La Femme Nikita frequently and am not one to shy away from a mosh pit during a good song. I have tricks by which to successfully subdue unruly delinquents.
   
2. Therapist: I have extensive experience in family relations and group therapy. I tend to be the go-to girl when problems arise. Dealing with passionate, Greek family members is tricky and complex but I have mastered the ways of a successful mediator.
3. Hostage Negotiator: For the same reasons as above. Additionally, my babysitting experiences often resembled terrorist negotiations. Threatening to take away gaming consoles and deprive children of pre-bedtime chocolate milk was necessary in some cases but I always won.
4. T-Shirt Vendor: It's always been my dream to tour the country/world listening to live music every day of my life.
5. Washboard player/percussionist-of-sorts: See above.

Let me know if you have any openings for any of the above. Or anything else! I'm open to suggestions and talented across many platforms and arenas.This is only the tip of the iceberg, people!

Text messages are funny

Because my mom is crazy:

Feb 9 MOM: Stinky! Good luck to you and BU in the Beanpot! Northeastern SUCKS! Go BU! Woot! SMS after the game tell me when you guys win! Double woot!

Feb 23 MOM: Pean't butter jelly samich broomball queen with all bones in tact! Woot! Congrats on the first win!

Because sometimes I'm an easy target:

Feb 11 ERIN: There's seriously something wrong with you.

Feb 26 SEAN: [after telling him I was lost at the Bruins game] Get out of the men's room.

March 6 TARA: Oh dear, oh dear. What am I going to do with you?

March 6 JESS: I am going to have the America's Got Talent people sing you manhating Alanis Morisette songs.

March 15 SEAN: If you're late today, I will give you a bruise on the forehead.


Because my friends are funny:

Feb 9 CHRIS: 302. Tamer than Dakota Fanning's sex life.

Feb 16 ALI: Butternut whore squash.

March 12 JOE: Damnit Low-retta!

March 14 MEESH: I came back here and was everyone's clown.

March 15 CHRISTINA: Girl! I just left Don Peppes restaurant in downtown Queens, NY. There was a mafia table and I saw 3 of my future boyfriends who were all waitors there!

Because I'm the boss:

Feb 23 MARK: What are we wearing tonight, el capitan?

... so I carry back-up

March 6 STEVE: I'll come there and kick his ass if you want me to!

... which some of my friends should look into

March 12 MEESH: I look like I was abused last night. Oh wait I was. Sean beat me with a chair and made me bleed!


Words of wisdom for me and all you people out there:

March 18 CHRIS: Keep it clean.

Cleaning out my inbox

You know the drill.* Share some funny texts. 

*These do not include several texts from my mother saying, "woot," "LOL" and "OMG."

Dec 27 DREW: I had no idea I was going to the hood till it was too late but once I was there I was shitting bricks. 

Jan 3 CHRISTINA: 2009 our year to shine! 

Jan 6 STEVE: No more CSI for you. 

Jan 14 ANON: I didn't want your dad beating me with a hockey stick like I was a rabid squirrel. 

Jan 15 ZACH: Get me my prune juice bitch! 

Jan 15 ALI: OMG there is some idiot grad student that sounds like Screech teaching my class. 

Jan 18 JOE: ... And it's deuce deuce and the tre deuce in my bubble goose. 

Jan 22 MOM: You didn't sms me last night Missy Misserina! 

Jan 24 ZACH: Yea sure. I'm dressed like a guido. If that's cool. 

Jan 26 JOE: What woman? I keep it pimpin. 

Jan 29 DREW: What's your e-mail? I got ringers. They're all young and in shape. 

Jan 29 DREW: Sent. Let the domination begin.

Feb 4 SEAN: Use your third grade karate skills on him. Be sure to pack your 9mm just in case. 

Feb 4 NOELLE: [redacted] said hi to me on the street today. I think what he really meant to say was will you be my Valentine. 

Feb 5 TARA: Hahaha best year ever! 

Feb 8 JOE: Afuck eyou.

P.S. I want these.

Pictures to show you how crazy the year was.*

*The links have more juicy details.

New Year's Eve 2008.


The room situation in 2008.


Boogying.


Valentines 2008 at the Slackers concert.


Spring Break Two Thousand Great: London.


At Archangel in London. Yes. My tights tore while I was out.


With Chrissy Poo, our host, at Imperial.


...and then we had a pillow fight.


On the London Eye. I told her to stay away from the window.


Spring Break London.


Some crazy fool in London.


Birthday dance with Zachary.


Birthday dinner. Happy 21st to me!


On a roof for Marathon Monday.


Semi-Annual End Of Semester binge.


Last day at COM Student Services.


Stanley Cup.


Ann Arbor. New friends, new experiences.


The Infamous Wednesday.


Nichole was such a slave driver. Look how she's forcing me to hold the monkey.

Emily's birthday. This was before she started rapping.


Going Away Luau.


The Semi-Annual Back To School Binge.


Many action shots were taken this year.


Parents Weekend and a visit from the family.


The hottest costume this Halloween.


Sometimes these things happen.


Being attacked.


Attacking Brian with my weapon. (I was the girl from Kill Bill, obviously.)


Christina H at An Tua Nua!


The typical scene at An Tua Nua.


Senior Hard Hat Party.


Dancing and singing at Com Prom.


Noelle's famous Pirate Eye.


Our first Thanksgiving feast.


Chi Phi formal: Reunion with Meaghan, our old roommate.


Thanksgiving with the cousins.


Chrissy Poo and the end of 20 Wads.


Secret Santa and holiday dinner.


Ice skating with cousin Anna.


Dancing our way into 2009.


New Year's Eve 2009: Ann Arbor.


It's going to be a good one. I can feel it.