Texts that...

... give advice and encouragement -

MEESH 7/8: Yay! Get rid of that pollution girl.

JESS V 8/8: Girl you should try to casually bump into his big muscles and tell him that they got in your way :)

... are life -

JESS R 7/7: I hope in return you ordered a No-Chance-In-Hell martini.

ALI 7/17: So I changed [redacted]'s name in my phone to "heinous bitch" and every time I see it it makes me giggle like a little school girl.

ANONYMOUS 7/26: This... for once... this late... is not a creepy sext message.

JOE 7/27: On the way, Rampage.

ALI 8/2: Rachel is drinking beer through a Twizzler.

ALEX 8/9: Dan Marino, your boyfriend from the Tap, asked for you.

... predict the future -

NOHN 8/7: New future slash blog: Noelle and Maria v. Food

ERIN 8/10: We're moving to the village. At transgender bingo right now.

ANONYMOUS 8/11: It's destiny, Maria. Maybe not anytime soon. But we're going to get married.

On Life After Graduation

ROSIE (May 20) P-p-p-poker face just came on at a lobster sandwich stand in Cape Cod... I have mixed emotions.

ERIN (May 23) Home is rehab. I'm watching my friends play whiffle ball... Everyone has to play with beer in hand.

ALI (May 23) Oh good god. Splitting a bucket of PBR with my mom, aunt and uncle. What has the world come to?

MARK (May 24) I won at the casino again! Suga daddy status remains.

MARK (May 27) Oh God. We totally forgot to use protection. Now I have some weird WCTD.*

*WCTD = Web cam transmitted disease.

ERIN (May 30) You better not be kidnapped.

CHRIS (June 12) I'm glad Michigan hasn't corrupted your mind and soul.

ALI (June 12) Meesh just awed at a 5 lb rat.

ALI (June 17) A 60 year old just took my shoe.

STEVE (June 23) Do you think if I sang 'the dogs don't shine in Philly' and you and Joe beat boxed we'd make it [on America's Got Talent]? I'm practicing now.

JON (June 25) Answer your phone Michael Jackson is dead!

Ways to save money: Text Edition

Get wise friends instead of paying for therapy

3/1 JESS The kid is clueless. Drop the zero and get with a hero... Or just find someone better with no rhyme scheme involved

4/6 JESS You can take a picture of him and upload it to the blog with using less than five words... Epic tool. P.S. Try sleeping tonight. You are too nocturnal. I'm convinced you're part bat. Not in a gross way. Just in a nocturnal way.

4/15 TARA Ew to both of those. We are surrounded by tools.

Enlist overprotective relatives as bodyguards

3/23 JOE He better not be a bitch. If shit goes down and he can't protect you OOH I'll kill him.

Only be friends with entertaining people

3/6 JESS Booty call and mom. Now that's just two things I always put together.

3/27 ROOMMATE Dear Maria, sorry I got so drunk and acted like some sort of foolish monkey.

4/1 ERIN When I get home from class can I trade you my wine glass for a ham?

4/15 CHRISTINA Pretty soon girl I'll be lathering you with oil at the Boston Commons/ BU beach

4/16 SARAH Yea I'm here already starting my night off right with dollar beers and old men.

4/19 ZACH How could you not know? He sweated carrot juice.

4/24 P.I.C. When I came into work my boss goes, your eyes are all bloodshot. I'm like, oh yea it's allergies.

5/3 ALI Tara's eating pepperoni. 

Intern at an awesome office

3/27 JESS Are you coming in today?! There is an epic amount of new snacks.

Go to hockey games (not money saving, but worth the splurge)

3/28 DAD I just saw you on TV doing the pointing thing. (READ: calling the opposition's goalie a siv.)

3/30 ALI Just showered and still feel like I smell like beer and steak tips.

4/12 JOHN Sedan or SUV? We're in a charoal grey Honda minivan. I'll be the one flashing my nips @ you.

Random cheap entertainment

David at the Dentist? Or Joe at the surgeon?

3/20 JOE Haha oh well it makes me drool Fool. Tool. Pool. Cool. Mule. What are you doing? Being cruel? Hollaaa.

25 cent wing night.

4/4 STEVE We all know you're not going to the bar for a chicken wing.

The internet.

4/6 ALI I am not meeting your weird internet friends.

Text messages are funny

Because my mom is crazy:

Feb 9 MOM: Stinky! Good luck to you and BU in the Beanpot! Northeastern SUCKS! Go BU! Woot! SMS after the game tell me when you guys win! Double woot!

Feb 23 MOM: Pean't butter jelly samich broomball queen with all bones in tact! Woot! Congrats on the first win!

Because sometimes I'm an easy target:

Feb 11 ERIN: There's seriously something wrong with you.

Feb 26 SEAN: [after telling him I was lost at the Bruins game] Get out of the men's room.

March 6 TARA: Oh dear, oh dear. What am I going to do with you?

March 6 JESS: I am going to have the America's Got Talent people sing you manhating Alanis Morisette songs.

March 15 SEAN: If you're late today, I will give you a bruise on the forehead.


Because my friends are funny:

Feb 9 CHRIS: 302. Tamer than Dakota Fanning's sex life.

Feb 16 ALI: Butternut whore squash.

March 12 JOE: Damnit Low-retta!

March 14 MEESH: I came back here and was everyone's clown.

March 15 CHRISTINA: Girl! I just left Don Peppes restaurant in downtown Queens, NY. There was a mafia table and I saw 3 of my future boyfriends who were all waitors there!

Because I'm the boss:

Feb 23 MARK: What are we wearing tonight, el capitan?

... so I carry back-up

March 6 STEVE: I'll come there and kick his ass if you want me to!

... which some of my friends should look into

March 12 MEESH: I look like I was abused last night. Oh wait I was. Sean beat me with a chair and made me bleed!


Words of wisdom for me and all you people out there:

March 18 CHRIS: Keep it clean.

Cleaning out my inbox

You know the drill.* Share some funny texts. 

*These do not include several texts from my mother saying, "woot," "LOL" and "OMG."

Dec 27 DREW: I had no idea I was going to the hood till it was too late but once I was there I was shitting bricks. 

Jan 3 CHRISTINA: 2009 our year to shine! 

Jan 6 STEVE: No more CSI for you. 

Jan 14 ANON: I didn't want your dad beating me with a hockey stick like I was a rabid squirrel. 

Jan 15 ZACH: Get me my prune juice bitch! 

Jan 15 ALI: OMG there is some idiot grad student that sounds like Screech teaching my class. 

Jan 18 JOE: ... And it's deuce deuce and the tre deuce in my bubble goose. 

Jan 22 MOM: You didn't sms me last night Missy Misserina! 

Jan 24 ZACH: Yea sure. I'm dressed like a guido. If that's cool. 

Jan 26 JOE: What woman? I keep it pimpin. 

Jan 29 DREW: What's your e-mail? I got ringers. They're all young and in shape. 

Jan 29 DREW: Sent. Let the domination begin.

Feb 4 SEAN: Use your third grade karate skills on him. Be sure to pack your 9mm just in case. 

Feb 4 NOELLE: [redacted] said hi to me on the street today. I think what he really meant to say was will you be my Valentine. 

Feb 5 TARA: Hahaha best year ever! 

Feb 8 JOE: Afuck eyou.

P.S. I want these.

Final Funny Texts of 2008

It was a good year for my inbox...



Nov 13 ERIN: Don't get kidnapped, or else you have to forfeit your dance contest with Chris.

Nov 13 MARISSA: Yo I got the number to the "rejection" hotline so you can give that to the creeps that as for your number.

Dec 3 DREW: Emotions. Ugh makes me want to vomit.

Dec 4 NOELLE: Be careful what you wish for. I will not hesitate to go Twilight on your ass.

Dec 7 STEVE: Katie Perry!!!!

Dec 8 NICK: Should you be texting in class La'Maria?

Dec 10 SEAN: I nearly jumped out of a 6th story window today. Let's hope we both survive long enough to make it to the party. (in reference to finals week)

Dec 15 JOE: If you see the Zicam commercial look how big that girls smile is. It's absurd.

Dec 18 MOM: To prepare we first need to go out to lunch to get our strength up then to cupcake factory cuz... just cuz. Then hair salon! N'est pas?

Dec 21 DAD: I am outside walking for exercise so if you call and I do not answer then I will call back in five. We have gale force winds with light snow and a temp of about 15 degrees.

Dec 21 DAD: People here are wacky enough without ingesting helium.

Dec 31 JOE: Woteva batty boi.

Jan 1 CHRISTINA: Looking fine in 09! Was my quote of the night... How was Ann Harbor? (an honest question)

Jan 1 ALI: Oh sweet chocolate Christ.

A smattering of special texts filling my inbox...

Oct 14 Noelle: I'll keep my eyes peeled for your bod on the sidewalk.

Oct 14 Food and the important men in my life:
Me: Just made the most delicious quesadillas ever.
Steve: Hah you better make me some when I'm there.
Joe: You better made me some son.
Dad: Phenomenal. Maybe we should cancel lunch reservations and have you cook for us?

Oct 14 Katie: I want a manfriend not a boyfriend.

Oct 15 Noelle: Crack open a book not a beer, look at words not pics.

Oct 16 Noelle: Failure is not in your vocabulary mimi. Yes the bomb diggity!

Oct 16 Noelle: P.S. These girls in my class didn't know who Tony Bennett was! I felt mad old to be born in the 80s.

Oct 17 Noelle: Forgot to tell you someone farted on the dance floor and of course I thought of you.

Oct 17 Mom: Chiggy belle! Getting ready to come see my babies!

Oct 17 Joe: I'm going to knock you out. You better not bark at me. I bought an electric collar just in case.

Oct 17 Joe: Fatty fatty boomba.

Oct 17 Erin: Ugh they finally turned on the heat at work and now I'm sweating cheap beer.

Oct 17 Erin: Article in the freep: "twitter, stalking on a whole new level." I thought of you.

Oct 17 Anonymous: I'm going to choke slam you into a bed of nails.

Oct 18 Katie: Ich bin nicht eine crack pot.

Oct 19 Ali (after Red Sox loss): I'm walking into oncoming traffic.

Oct 28 Noelle: I wish he had an Asian fetish!

Oct 28 Noelle: I just can't figure out his type. He just likes white women? That's so old.

Nov 2 Alexis: I just said poop and my friend was like uh did you just say poop... I was like yea it's Maria's fault.

Nov 5 Drew: You know Mrs. Obama got the presidential treatment last night.

Funny and Memorable Text Messages From People I Know

Sept 18 Drew: So have you raped any freshmen boys yet? [The answer is a resounding no.]

Sept 22 Noelle: Divas are expensive!

Sept 22 Topher: Hey all. I have six pounds of ham in the oven. Please come over and invite friends roomies coworkers. It will be done at six.

Sept 24 Noelle: Go to the snack room and reenergize girl! You can't be lagging when you see couch boy!

Sept 24 Anonymous: Please it's called college. If my manly bits had a stock I'd say buy.

Sept 24 Drew: You should shit on them. Literally.

Sept 24 Noelle: That Cranberry Farms didn't sit so well.

Sept 25 Drew: Any poop issues today? We're still getting dinner right?

Sept 25 Drew: How's J Tree? Getting pooped on?

Sept 26 Drew: I think of them like mad libs. Just fill in the blanks. Recently I like the word poo.

Sept 29 Mom: Missy Misserina! Do you want to come home for Thanksgiving?

Sept 30 Noelle: I hate when old ppl yell at me it makes me feel so bad.

Oct 2 Noelle: Hahaha time to get bizzay.

Oct 4 Dave: Isn't his skin soft?

Oct 5 Joe: Yea it might be hard to be attracted to someone eating out of a straw in a few weeks.

Oct 5 Joe: Giggidy giggidy giggidy. Feel free to give all the hot ones my number.

Oct 6 Noelle: Oh my god girl I hope you're feeling better. Tara told me how Jess tried to kill you.

Oct 7 Tara: I love it when you talk dirty to me.

Oct 9 Anonymous: Hunnilamb I took an adderall today so I'm not hungry. But sure, I 'll meechu then.

Oct 9 Drew: If you were going out where? Gay tree?

Oct 10 Noelle: Thanks dumpling, have a fantastic weekend. S'agapo poli.





...Anyone have any funny texts in their inboxes right now???

People send me ridiculous texts.

Aug 25 Joe: Pick a movie time turd stain.

Aug 28 Katie: Wo bist du meine sugarmuffin?

Aug 28 Nichole: You find a cheap flight I'm there quicker than B Spears can eat a cheeto. Hope your bed in a bag is fierce.

Aug 30 Evan: I mean the characters going into Fenway Park are RIDICULOUS.

Aug 30 Evan: Uh Oh. Better not do anything shady unless your shades are drawn!

Sept 2 Evan: Ugh I can't drink. I'm literally about to die. I thought my liver had failed me earlier today.

Sept 3 James: We only have two weeks to get this green card.

Sept 5 Erin: No pain no gain hahha.

Sept 8 Noelle: Don't stress don't stress don't stress. Just tell him to the left left left.

Sept 10 Noelle: Life is a whore and so are you.

Sept 10 Christina: Girl! Life's weird... And so are you!

Sept 12 Dad: Good things happen to good people.

Sept 15 Joe: Woman I will whoop your old ass all over the place.

Sept 15 Noelle: Wanna boop later?

Sept 17 Me: Make me some food wench. Noelle: Suck my peg leg.

Goodbye Old Phone

August 2 Kari: Haha I just had a good laugh to myself about Tatiana asking where you were sitting for football and if BU and BC were idols instead of rivals.

August 2 Me: I just spent $65 at the grocery store. I'm going to have a heart attack.
Dad: Welcome to adulthood.

August 3 Noelle: I haven't read for pleasure in YEARS.

August 7 Bridget: There's a woman here with KFC popcorn chicken. Looks sooo yum. I would do bad things for popcorn chicken.

August 7 Nichole: Yes be my Bobbie Brown.

August 12 Joe: You better carry a knife. Or a gun. Or mace. Or a taser. Or brass knuckles.

August 22 Nichole: Quit hitting the pipe before bed.

August 23 Christina: Girl I just moved my bro into St. Johns... I'm checking out the freshmen!!!

I may have laughed too much this weekend. My stomach definitely doesn't hurt from push ups.

This was a very eventful weekend for me. Nichole declared Friday "bring your intern home from work" day. Saturday was the infamous neighborhood block party.

It all started bright and early Friday morning on the bus ride to work.

Nichole: Pack your little Hello Kitty bag and tell Michael to get you in Novi tomorrow.
Maria: Mother of pearl this is the biggest bag ever.
Nichole: Do hoochie shorts and tube tops take up that much room?

Later at work:

Nichole: Did you remember to pack your fake ID?

In the car on the way to Novi:

Nichole: I hate when little kids are on Facebook.
Maria: Why are you friends with little kids on Facebook?

Driving to happy hour:

Andy: Do you even know who Michael Keaton is? Were you even alive for the first Batman?
Maria: I think so. Anything after '87.
Andy: She's as old as Top Gun!

Later, at the bar:

Maria: Seriously that guy just pushed a drink over to your area. Don't drink it.
Nichole: You guys! Drink this!

The next day, after having left Nichole's:

Nichole: I am going to make sure you didn't steal something and hide it in your carpet bag. Tell Vicki to turn it up!

Later that night, my family and I attended the neighborhood block party. Or should I say, dad attended the block party while mom and I watched fifteen people huddle under one tent as torrential downpours throttled them. When the weather broke, I joined the party. The only people who wanted to talk to me were 85 and completely oblivious to the words leaving my mouth. I went inside for a sweatshirt but fell asleep instead.

Some time later, in the basement:

Mom: Wake up and make yourself look pretty. The jello shots are out.

Approaching the crowd:

Matt: Everyone! Stop what you're doing! Maria has joined us!
Dave: Hah! Sleep lines.

Some time later:

Matt: Stop pretending you don't know how to open a beer. Your dad knows you drink.
Maria: I'm going to punch you.
Matt: Why aren't we MySpace friends.
Maria: Because I'm not 13 and you're creepy?
Dad: Tell him about Twitter!

Playing flip cup with older people is sometimes challenging. I was off my game but that was nothing compared to Matt's aunt.

Maria: Kick her in the legs when it's her turn and take the cup for her.
Rebecca: Let's knock out her knees Kerrigan style!

Sitting by the camp fire at 1 AM:

Dad: I think I'm going to sneak to bed.
Maria: I'll come with you.
Dad: NO! Then they'll notice me leaving! You stay here for as long as you want.

People send me funny texts

June 30 Jess: What's a good name for an emo fish?

July 1 Mom: Scrubbing toilets! So hey! It could be worse!

July 9 Mom: Morning! Didn't sleep all night cuz I kept thinking you forgot to close the window you cracked open and the bum from the bushes got in!

July 9 Joe: Word. I would kill someone for a nap right now.

July 17 Alexis: Yea it's official. I'm still drunk and stumbling to work. Late of course.

July 18 Drew: You're not mean just warped and twisted.

July 22 Joe: If I get a virus I'm going to shoot you in the tits.

July 24 Drew: You should rush a frat.

July 25 Mom: Super duper handsome guy with muscles and a tan hanging new gutters on our house right now!

July 25 Dad: You are a business woman now, not a college kid. Change your voice mail recording.

July 28 Bridget: Hahahahaha you slay me.

July 30 Mom: Several home invasions in Ann Arbor with thefts one in middle of the night while the people were home and sleeping lock doors and windows and be careful!

Just another packratting Tuesday...

You got it. Time to share those memorable texts I just couldn't let go of...


May 6 Drew: Call me when you get out of your final. Shots? (During my last final of junior year.)

May 7 Maria: Steve, I missed my train.
Steve: Maria are you kidding me? I told you to go 10 minutes early.
Maria: Haha just kidding. I'm on my way.
Steve: Haha I fucking hate you. I was gonna kill you.

May 9 Christina: R u bringing me back a man?

May 13 Noelle: Feels like August Rush down here at Park Street haha.

May 17 Christina: I'm laying out right now! Where are you I wanna oil you up! Haha.

May 18 Drew: I fell out of a hot air balloon is now my favorite bad pick up line. (Story here)

June 2 Mike: Do you want to go cabrewing on Friday? Or do you have to work?

June 4 Noelle: Sounds delightful. Let's both wear nothing.

June 6 Joe: Plop dop?

June 8 Joe: Global warming is ripping through Bham.

June 12 Mom: Oui. De rien. AKA Ja voll. Kein problem.

June 16 Joe: My snot is black from second hand smoke and inhaling dust haha I'm going to die soon.

June 17 Michelle: It just started go buck wild.

June 20 Joe: Mom's a hardass!



John McCain approves this blog post.














..

Just another packratting Sunday...

My inbox is 98% full. I have issues. Time to document them.



Feb 24 Joe: He better or I'll beat the shit out of him. (I love my overprotective brothers.)

Mar 2 Noelle: I want your face on my kneecap.

Mar 7 Christina: Aaasaaah!!!!! Haha. Wat a hottie!! Yo MADD hotties at the airport right now!!!

Mar 16 Christina: Dirty jerz!!!!! Waaaaat. I love it... Any guids in that airport?
Noelle: YES! I'll be the naked Asian one in 426.

Mar 18 Noelle: Besiality.

Mar 19 Christina: Darque Tan is in full effect tonight u wanna go?!?
Noelle: Spoon session at 4? Colon cleanse at 4?

Mar 20 Noelle: Thanks my little Arabian stallion. (Ewwww. Mr. Hands.)
Mom: Too old for you pucca pricca! (After trying to hook me up with a twenty-something year old drummer in Michigan.

Mar 25 Joe: Dunkin Donuts for sure. Then I'm going to poop in your toilet. Then nap. Then party time.

Apr 3 Zach: Prepare for a hilarious show. (After which Drew and I decided we needed Prozac because we had not in fact seen a comedy but a play that ended with Zach digging a dead baby out of a back yard. Thanks Zach.)

Apr 11 Drew: Are they making you wear the I Heart COM t-shirts? I saw tons of frosh. Don' hit on the youngins too much.
Noelle: Looking fierce doesn't come easy girl. Gotta pay the prizice.

Apr 18 Drew: You are 21. That's absurd.
Joe: Happy birthday retard. Send me some beers.
Christina: Happy 21st birthday you princess of darkness!!!

9:37 AM Apr 21 Evan: Maria let's start this up!!! (Oh Marathon Monday.)

Apr 22 Evan: I mean I did one exercise and now I'm leaving to go buy cigarettes. (The work-out habits of college students.)

Apr 24 Drew: Jesus all I heard is that he was nice, not a sexy beast. You're def a cougar in training. (On the Boogey Man. Apparently there was a black out on Comm Ave.)
: It's already a kilbasa barbeque. (On the "sausage fest" he walked in on.)

Apr 25 Drew: Wow you're a great motivator. You are the female Tony Robbins.

Apr 26 Noelle: Fuck guys. That's why I'm with two lesbian couples right now. I've learned so much girl.

Apr 27 Noelle: Desperate times girl come on! I do wish you could spoon me right now though. I'm in a dark room alone!

May 4 Drew: You she-predator.
: Wow we are alcoholics.






Now I have room to store more texts for months!

Just another packratting Monday.

My mom tells me I'm a pack rat. I tell her she just doesn't see value in the things I keep. There's always a reason for my insanity. For example: I have a bad problem with deleting old texts. I store the funny ones for months. Last December I finally deleted a text Tara sent me the previous September that said, "God. We win the award for self control this year." I originally kept it because I thought it was funny and I planned to use it for inspiration.... the text lasted longer than the self control.

So here I am again with a full inbox and no desire to delete 90% of the texts. Instead, I will share (some of) them right here (with somewhat correct spelling and punctuation.)

Oct. 30 Noelle: I hope you get raped by a deranged mutant. (In reference to my journey to Downtown Crossing to buy The Hills Have Eyes for Halloween.)

Nov. 21 Noelle: This has opened a whole new worldahhhh. Haha sorry I'm drinking.

Dec. 11 Noelle: OH MY GOD AN ALBINO.

Dec. 13 James: I'm physically unable to be here anymore - yea you said that.
: Nah just got back. Busted in on Katie and Uncle Riko.

Dec. 16 Noelle: S'AGAPO POLI

Dec. 18 Noelle: We should leave dining hall girl a pamphlet for Speakeasy.

Dec. 20 Noelle: I'm pretending my snack wrap is you.

Dec. 29 Joe: Come home so we can go shop! Or I'll toot in your nose.

Jan. 8 Christina: Just checking up on ya girl.

Jan. 13 Noelle: I'm waiting to run off and into your arms! (In reference to meeting at the airport after winter break.)

Jan. 18 Christina: Haha!! I'm coming home mama!

Feb. 1 Noelle: OMG 426 NEWSFLASH. SOOAH IS MOVING TO 3RD FLOOR! (In reference to us scaring the Korean exchange student into moving out.)

Feb. 4 Anonymous: __ and I are spooning as we watch the game. Just thought you should know.

Feb. 4 John: Saw your ass on the big screen. (In reference to the Beanpot.)

Feb. 7 Christina: Hey girl haaaaaaaaay.


So those are all the G-rated texts I've stored since October. I'm going to delete them now as part of my multi-faceted attempt to clean out my life.