My personal bodyguards may need to be sedated.

My brothers are psychotic.

Don't get me wrong...

I love having protective brothers. I love knowing I could just say one word and they'd be there to back me up, no questions asked. It's almost unheard of for someone to have your back like that no matter what the situation, no matter what the back story.

This is why you should be scared.

Their protective instincts sometimes interfere with even the last salvageable ounce of rationality usually present in a human being. Especially when my brothers are in Boston and see guys even glance at me.

Joe's favorite thing to do is stare guys down and mutter one or two profane threats just loud enough so I can hear it, knowing the other guy sees his rage and sincerity. Steve gets a little more worked up. He still stares guys down but he usually says, "what the fuck?!" and rambles about it for a little, clearly planning a course of action in his head.

Their threats have evolved into extremely creative and intricate declarations over the years. My mother thinks this is especially hilarious.

Which is why, I presume, she decided to announce to the family, "Maria went on a date today!" Promptly after which I received a text from my little brother saying, "I'm the only Joe in your life." I had just walked in from the gym. When I looked online, he had messaged me demanding details.

Following the harassment, Joe directed me toward my last post of texts, telling me to look at the comments. He didn't like the anonymous text about someone saying they would choke slam me into a bed of nails.

Joe: Don't even start with me.
Maria: HAH.
Joe: Who is it?
...
Joe: Who needs a beating?
Maria: It was [redacted for protection]
Joe: Tell him this exactly:
...
Joe: My brother Joe says he's going to slice off your nutsack and feed it to you like it's grapes. Then beat your skull into pieces.



Don't let these angelic mugs fool you... These boys don't mess around.