Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Texts that...


... give advice and encouragement -

MEESH 7/8: Yay! Get rid of that pollution girl.

JESS V 8/8: Girl you should try to casually bump into his big muscles and tell him that they got in your way :)


... are life -

JESS R 7/7: I hope in return you ordered a No-Chance-In-Hell martini.

ALI 7/17: So I changed [redacted]'s name in my phone to "heinous bitch" and every time I see it it makes me giggle like a little school girl.

ANONYMOUS 7/26: This... for once... this late... is not a creepy sext message.

JOE 7/27: On the way, Rampage.

ALI 8/2: Rachel is drinking beer through a Twizzler.

ALEX 8/9: Dan Marino, your boyfriend from the Tap, asked for you.


... predict the future -

NOHN 8/7: New future slash blog: Noelle and Maria v. Food

ERIN 8/10: We're moving to the village. At transgender bingo right now.

ANONYMOUS 8/11: It's destiny, Maria. Maybe not anytime soon. But we're going to get married.

Friday, June 26, 2009

On Life After Graduation



ROSIE (May 20) P-p-p-poker face just came on at a lobster sandwich stand in Cape Cod... I have mixed emotions.

ERIN (May 23) Home is rehab. I'm watching my friends play whiffle ball... Everyone has to play with beer in hand.

ALI (May 23) Oh good god. Splitting a bucket of PBR with my mom, aunt and uncle. What has the world come to?

MARK (May 24) I won at the casino again! Suga daddy status remains.

MARK (May 27) Oh God. We totally forgot to use protection. Now I have some weird WCTD.*
*WCTD = Web cam transmitted disease.

ERIN (May 30) You better not be kidnapped.

CHRIS (June 12) I'm glad Michigan hasn't corrupted your mind and soul.

ALI (June 12) Meesh just awed at a 5 lb rat.

ALI (June 17) A 60 year old just took my shoe.

STEVE (June 23) Do you think if I sang 'the dogs don't shine in Philly' and you and Joe beat boxed we'd make it [on America's Got Talent]? I'm practicing now.

JON (June 25) Answer your phone Michael Jackson is dead!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

First person to find me a friend WINS!



I have printed a couple hundred copies of the card above. It's time to take drastic measures. [Feel free to print and distribute.]

Last Saturday, we had another high school graduation party to attend. With each graduation party, the level of embarrassment increases several notches. Here are some scenes from that night.

SCENE ONE:

(Maria, mom and dad enter the house and fill their plates with food. Mom and dad choose a table outside while Maria retrieves a drink. She plucks a Coke from a big blue cooler and scans the area for her parents. She spots her father taking a seat and approaches the table to discover that the only free chair is at the end of the table across from an elderly couple.)

Maria: (whispers to herself) Sweet.

(Maria occupies the vacant seat facing an elderly man perpendicular to his wife.)

Elderly woman: Oh hello! My name is Judy. Yes, you look like a Maria. I have awesome stories and was one of the first people to ever purchase contact lenses for which I had to take out a loan.

(Maria and Judy share stories and giggle with each other until Judy leaves for another party... But not without swapping e-mail addresses with her new best friend.)

SCENE TWO:

(Maria walks across the yard clutching her cold beer thinking to herself, "Thank GOD for liquor.")

Drunk woman: I'm sorry. I have to ask. (Quiets to a whisper and squeezes one eye shut) How ooold are you?
Maria: (exasperated) TWENTY-TWO! I should just start wearing my license around my neck.

(Maria continues on her path walking past her brother and his hoodlum wrestling friends.)

Tyler: SHAVE YOUR BEARD!

SCENE THREE:

(Maria, mom and dad are standing in a circle with the hostess of the party talking about life.)

Mrs. S: So how's being home?
Maria: Oh it's nice. Lots of down time.
Mom: Yea, it's just hard for her because she has no friends here.
Dad: She went from being in college with all her friends to being here with us. She needs some friends here.

(Maria purses her lips and raises her eyebrows. This story has been repeated too many times. She takes a sip from her beer and doesn't notice the wheels spinning inside Mrs. S' head.)

Mrs. S: (grabs Maria's hand and drags her to a circle of six older people.) THIS is Maria. She is a wonderful girl who just graduated college and has no friends here. Maria, (she points to one woman) this is my cousin. She has a very nice son who just graduated Michigan State. Talk to each other.

(Maria feels awkward conversing with Mrs. S' cousin. Everyone in the circle enjoys the spectacle of a friendless stranger being set up with an absent relative. They laugh often and lean in to hear all about Maria.)

Cousin 1: Well, why don't you give me your number and I'll give it to Tommy for when he comes back!

(Maria hands the woman a small piece of torn paper with her name and number on it and scampers away imagining Tommy's laughter when his mom hands him her number. Later that night, the cousins stand in unison and gather their belongings.)

Strange man: Did my wife get your number?


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Christina on Greece


Maria: How was Greece?!
Christina: Girl it was fantastic. It was amazing.
Maria: Man. I'm jealous.
Christina: It's so... different there! I mean. Men are actually... respectful! What happened to guys here?
Maria: Haha I have no idea.
Christina: ... Girl I don't think men wax their eyebrows there.
Maria: What? Do guys do that here?
Christina: I meannnn..... Their eyebrows. There were some hairy, hairy men there.
Maria: Well. Greeks ARE notoriously hairy.

















Thanks for calling, Jess and Christina!
The rest of you... get dialling.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Maria Goes to Long Island




Mrs. D flew me down last Thursday as a surprise to Erin and in turn I was surprised by the lack of guido and orange skin as Erin introduced me to Long Island.

Things I loved about Long Island:

1) Erin and her seriously fantastic family (yes, even the dog, who trapped me in a room Day One but was eating hot dogs from my plate by Sunday.)
2) Erin's crazy/hilarious/super fun friends and their fire pits and weird cars with animal noises.
3) The wheel at Billy's Bar. So exciting!
4) The water. And rocks. And shells. If I lived on Long Island I'd be down by the water every day. There were awesome lifeguard lookout towers that I refused to jump off even though they were three feet from the ground. Noelle threw rocks at me in a failed attempt to persuade me to jump. I would need to build up some courage.


5) Crazy people. Like this guy with a metal detector.



After exploring Long Island on Friday, Erin's family brought me into the city Saturday. Some switch flipped the second we started driving into the city. Attacked by the impulse to explore for hours, I annoyed my family and friends with texts declaring my wishes to move to the city right then and there.

We went into the Hershey and M&M stores where Erin and I played with giant chocolate bars and her sisters joined us in the mood detector to determine our M&M color. (Mine was Almond Mix or something. Apparently I like excitement and adventure. So true, M&M mood detector!) The machine was acting up all day; it offended Jill by telling her she is not a person who "does many things well," declared Sarah dark chocolate mix and Erin dark pink. Bizarre.



We headed toward Carmine's next. A legend in my mind, I was excited to experience what Noelle and Erin spent hours salivating over. Mr. D went in to get us a table and to everyone's surprise there was no line. He brought us in through the special door and we took our seat on the second floor. I will be dreaming about those zucchini sticks/fries/straws/pieces-of-heaven for YEARS.

After Carmine's, we walked around Times Square where we reunited with Mark.



The weather was perfect on Saturday. We walked to Central Park where we climbed a rock formation and people-watched. A ten-year-old boy hit on Erin with the sweetest pick-up line ever: Wanna climb with me? She turned him down. It was as good a time as any for him to learn about disappointment. He slid down the formation and walked off with his mom.

We experienced many strange and wonderful things walking through Central Park. A bride, a man (with a small dog) that looked like a pedophile, a man tanning in very tiny shorts, a large group of people roller skating in various outfits including (but not limited to) furry pink pants and cut-off shirts with fringe, a woman on a unicyle dancing with a man on roller skates, two Aztek-ish warring violinists in thongs, a woman making a stuffed chicken dance on her lap, and much much more.

I need to move to NYC.

Dessert was necessary after our long day. We indulged in cheesecake and chocolate cakes before seeing the hilarious off-broadway play, Altar Boyz. Is it strange that I want to download the soundtrack? We had a perfect view; our seats were four rows from the front. Erin and I were relieved to hear this showing did not involve audience participation.

We drove through the brightly lit city and I resisted the urge to jump out of the car and peek in all the restaurants and bars and apartments. I drilled Erin and her parents about life in the city, imagining myself living there.

This whole being out of college thing is kind of exciting when you realize that you can literally go anywhere. As long as there's money. And benefits. And housing. I'll save my list of living requirements for another time.

Sunday was barbeque day. Erin and Jill had a joint party for graduation and Sweet [s]Ixteen respectively. Mrs. D and the girls prepared me for the invited company as Mr. D and Sarah prepared the outdoor games and fire and the rest of us helped assemble the mounds and mounds of food Mrs. D bought.

The food was delicious (and plentiful) and the company was great. I even found a new boyfriend. James is 10. He thinks I'm 15. He's a little fresh but he's a great kickball player and super clever (he dubbed Noelle "No-LOL" without hesitation.) Sarah was the Smore master. Noelle, Erin and I ended the party around Mr. D's expertly crafted fire and then laughed in the kitchen for hours with Erin's friends.

Monday afternoon the family drove me to the airport. I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to get to know them. The trip gave me hope that even though college is over, friendships really will last forever. There's no way Erin's getting rid of me now! MUAHAHAHA.

Flying out of the city I admired the faint flicker of advertisements from Times Square imagining myself wandering amidst the skyscrapers. After a moment, clouds poured over my window leaving only my imagination to construct variations of my future.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

When words aren't enough...


... share a photo album!

(if the slideshow isn't working, go here)



Monday, May 4, 2009

Ways to save money: Text Edition

Get wise friends instead of paying for therapy

3/1 JESS The kid is clueless. Drop the zero and get with a hero... Or just find someone better with no rhyme scheme involved

4/6 JESS You can take a picture of him and upload it to the blog with using less than five words... Epic tool. P.S. Try sleeping tonight. You are too nocturnal. I'm convinced you're part bat. Not in a gross way. Just in a nocturnal way.

4/15 TARA Ew to both of those. We are surrounded by tools.


Enlist overprotective relatives as bodyguards

3/23 JOE He better not be a bitch. If shit goes down and he can't protect you OOH I'll kill him.


Only be friends with entertaining people

3/6 JESS Booty call and mom. Now that's just two things I always put together.

3/27 ROOMMATE Dear Maria, sorry I got so drunk and acted like some sort of foolish monkey.

4/1 ERIN When I get home from class can I trade you my wine glass for a ham?

4/15 CHRISTINA Pretty soon girl I'll be lathering you with oil at the Boston Commons/ BU beach

4/16 SARAH Yea I'm here already starting my night off right with dollar beers and old men.

4/19 ZACH How could you not know? He sweated carrot juice.

4/24 P.I.C. When I came into work my boss goes, your eyes are all bloodshot. I'm like, oh yea it's allergies.

5/3 ALI Tara's eating pepperoni. 


Intern at an awesome office

3/27 JESS Are you coming in today?! There is an epic amount of new snacks.


Go to hockey games (not money saving, but worth the splurge)

3/28 DAD I just saw you on TV doing the pointing thing. (READ: calling the opposition's goalie a siv.)

3/30 ALI Just showered and still feel like I smell like beer and steak tips.

4/12 JOHN Sedan or SUV? We're in a charoal grey Honda minivan. I'll be the one flashing my nips @ you.



Random cheap entertainment


David at the Dentist? Or Joe at the surgeon?

3/20 JOE Haha oh well it makes me drool Fool. Tool. Pool. Cool. Mule. What are you doing? Being cruel? Hollaaa.


25 cent wing night.

4/4 STEVE We all know you're not going to the bar for a chicken wing.


The internet.

4/6 ALI I am not meeting your weird internet friends.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

It's Coming: Graduation '09

E-mail at the internship...


MARIA:

Good morning everyone,

I can't believe April is almost over! 

Finals period and graduation are speeding toward me so Wednesday will be my last day in the office. I will be here today until 5 and Wednesday 9-5 if you have any work or wrap-up you would like me to do! 

Otherwise, I will see you Wednesday.

Thanks,
Maria



JESS:

:(
wahhhhhhhhh
wahhhhhhhhh







It's going to be a long Wednesday.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Text messages are funny


Because my mom is crazy:


Feb 9 MOM: Stinky! Good luck to you and BU in the Beanpot! Northeastern SUCKS! Go BU! Woot! SMS after the game tell me when you guys win! Double woot!

Feb 23 MOM: Pean't butter jelly samich broomball queen with all bones in tact! Woot! Congrats on the first win!

Because sometimes I'm an easy target:


Feb 11 ERIN: There's seriously something wrong with you.

Feb 26 SEAN: [after telling him I was lost at the Bruins game] Get out of the men's room.

March 6 TARA: Oh dear, oh dear. What am I going to do with you?

March 6 JESS: I am going to have the America's Got Talent people sing you manhating Alanis Morisette songs.

March 15 SEAN: If you're late today, I will give you a bruise on the forehead.


Because my friends are funny:

Feb 9 CHRIS: 302. Tamer than Dakota Fanning's sex life.


Feb 16 ALI: Butternut whore squash.

March 12 JOE: Damnit Low-retta!

March 14 MEESH: I came back here and was everyone's clown.

March 15 CHRISTINA: Girl! I just left Don Peppes restaurant in downtown Queens, NY. There was a mafia table and I saw 3 of my future boyfriends who were all waitors there!

Because I'm the boss:

Feb 23 MARK: What are we wearing tonight, el capitan?

... so I carry back-up


March 6 STEVE: I'll come there and kick his ass if you want me to!

... which some of my friends should look into


March 12 MEESH: I look like I was abused last night. Oh wait I was. Sean beat me with a chair and made me bleed!


Words of wisdom for me and all you people out there:

March 18 CHRIS: Keep it clean.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

QUACK. QUACK. QUACK. QUACK.


There are two reasons why I have been and will continue to quack all week.
  1. Our Broomball team, Gordon Bombay, had their first game last night.
  2. I am going to the Bruins vs. Ducks game Thursday.

So we decided to organize a Broomball team for our last semester in college. It looks something like this (except Team Gordon Bombay looks less goofy and more fierce):


I most closely resemble Emilio Estevez, so naturally I am Captain of this team. You may have thought I was physical-activity-challenged, but I assure you I am a beast in the face of competition.


Here are some of our team strategies:
  1. Growl
  2. Scream
  3. Push (but don't get a penalty)
We're still working on the logistics. But last night we were victorious. (Do I smell championships in the distance?) Our final score was 3-1 but I'll just call it 4-0 because Team GB scored all four goals.

Our team is amazing. All the guys are superstars who have at some point played hockey (or some aggressive alternative.)
All the girls are vicious. Christina has some sweet dance moves when being goalie. Michelle took out a bag of frozen peas as soon as we got home. She landed on her knees three times. I hope she can walk today.

I just want to get back on the ice! After I graduate (in less than three months) I'll have to enroll in an aggressive yet relatively easy-on-the-bones (no breaks) activity. Suggestions welcomed.


Our next game is March 23. There is much to do until then.
  1. Design and order team shirts
  2. Memorize some motivational quotes from Mighty Ducks
  3. Work on my growl
  4. Find a photographer
Does anyone know a good place to order customized t-shirts???

Monday, February 9, 2009

Cleaning out my inbox

You know the drill.* Share some funny texts. 
*These do not include several texts from my mother saying, "woot," "LOL" and "OMG."



Dec 27 DREW: I had no idea I was going to the hood till it was too late but once I was there I was shitting bricks. 

Jan 3 CHRISTINA: 2009 our year to shine! 

Jan 6 STEVE: No more CSI for you. 

Jan 14 ANON: I didn't want your dad beating me with a hockey stick like I was a rabid squirrel. 

Jan 15 ZACH: Get me my prune juice bitch! 

Jan 15 ALI: OMG there is some idiot grad student that sounds like Screech teaching my class. 

Jan 18 JOE: ... And it's deuce deuce and the tre deuce in my bubble goose. 

Jan 22 MOM: You didn't sms me last night Missy Misserina! 

Jan 24 ZACH: Yea sure. I'm dressed like a guido. If that's cool. 

Jan 26 JOE: What woman? I keep it pimpin. 

Jan 29 DREW: What's your e-mail? I got ringers. They're all young and in shape. 

Jan 29 DREW: Sent. Let the domination begin.

Feb 4 SEAN: Use your third grade karate skills on him. Be sure to pack your 9mm just in case. 

Feb 4 NOELLE: [redacted] said hi to me on the street today. I think what he really meant to say was will you be my Valentine. 

Feb 5 TARA: Hahaha best year ever! 

Feb 8 JOE: Afuck eyou.





P.S. I want these.






Sunday, January 11, 2009

Pictures to show you how crazy the year was.*

*The links have more juicy details.


New Year's Eve 2008.


The room situation in 2008.


Boogying.


Valentines 2008 at the Slackers concert.


Spring Break Two Thousand Great: London.


At Archangel in London. Yes. My tights tore while I was out.


With Chrissy Poo, our host, at Imperial.


...and then we had a pillow fight.


On the London Eye. I told her to stay away from the window.


Spring Break London.


Some crazy fool in London.


Birthday dance with Zachary.


Birthday dinner. Happy 21st to me!


On a roof for Marathon Monday.


Semi-Annual End Of Semester binge.


Last day at COM Student Services.


Stanley Cup.


Ann Arbor. New friends, new experiences.


The Infamous Wednesday.


Nichole was such a slave driver. Look how she's forcing me to hold the monkey.

Emily's birthday. This was before she started rapping.


Going Away Luau.


The Semi-Annual Back To School Binge.


Many action shots were taken this year.


Parents Weekend and a visit from the family.


The hottest costume this Halloween.


Sometimes these things happen.


Being attacked.


Attacking Brian with my weapon. (I was the girl from Kill Bill, obviously.)


Christina H at An Tua Nua!



The typical scene at An Tua Nua.


Senior Hard Hat Party.


Dancing and singing at Com Prom.


Noelle's famous Pirate Eye.


Our first Thanksgiving feast.


Chi Phi formal: Reunion with Meaghan, our old roommate.


Thanksgiving with the cousins.


Chrissy Poo and the end of 20 Wads.


Secret Santa and holiday dinner.


Ice skating with cousin Anna.


Dancing our way into 2009.


New Year's Eve 2009: Ann Arbor.


It's going to be a good one. I can feel it.