Texts that...

... give advice and encouragement -

MEESH 7/8: Yay! Get rid of that pollution girl.

JESS V 8/8: Girl you should try to casually bump into his big muscles and tell him that they got in your way :)

... are life -

JESS R 7/7: I hope in return you ordered a No-Chance-In-Hell martini.

ALI 7/17: So I changed [redacted]'s name in my phone to "heinous bitch" and every time I see it it makes me giggle like a little school girl.

ANONYMOUS 7/26: This... for once... this late... is not a creepy sext message.

JOE 7/27: On the way, Rampage.

ALI 8/2: Rachel is drinking beer through a Twizzler.

ALEX 8/9: Dan Marino, your boyfriend from the Tap, asked for you.

... predict the future -

NOHN 8/7: New future slash blog: Noelle and Maria v. Food

ERIN 8/10: We're moving to the village. At transgender bingo right now.

ANONYMOUS 8/11: It's destiny, Maria. Maybe not anytime soon. But we're going to get married.

We talk in code

Conversation greetings with Mark often last several minutes and involve intricate puzzles and tricky decoding.

A brief review of Funny People...

... by my little cousin, Nick.

On Life After Graduation

ROSIE (May 20) P-p-p-poker face just came on at a lobster sandwich stand in Cape Cod... I have mixed emotions.

ERIN (May 23) Home is rehab. I'm watching my friends play whiffle ball... Everyone has to play with beer in hand.

ALI (May 23) Oh good god. Splitting a bucket of PBR with my mom, aunt and uncle. What has the world come to?

MARK (May 24) I won at the casino again! Suga daddy status remains.

MARK (May 27) Oh God. We totally forgot to use protection. Now I have some weird WCTD.*

*WCTD = Web cam transmitted disease.

ERIN (May 30) You better not be kidnapped.

CHRIS (June 12) I'm glad Michigan hasn't corrupted your mind and soul.

ALI (June 12) Meesh just awed at a 5 lb rat.

ALI (June 17) A 60 year old just took my shoe.

STEVE (June 23) Do you think if I sang 'the dogs don't shine in Philly' and you and Joe beat boxed we'd make it [on America's Got Talent]? I'm practicing now.

JON (June 25) Answer your phone Michael Jackson is dead!

First person to find me a friend WINS!

I have printed a couple hundred copies of the card above. It's time to take drastic measures. [Feel free to print and distribute.]

Last Saturday, we had another high school graduation party to attend. With each graduation party, the level of embarrassment increases several notches. Here are some scenes from that night.

SCENE ONE:

(Maria, mom and dad enter the house and fill their plates with food. Mom and dad choose a table outside while Maria retrieves a drink. She plucks a Coke from a big blue cooler and scans the area for her parents. She spots her father taking a seat and approaches the table to discover that the only free chair is at the end of the table across from an elderly couple.)

Maria: (whispers to herself) Sweet.

(Maria occupies the vacant seat facing an elderly man perpendicular to his wife.)

Elderly woman: Oh hello! My name is Judy. Yes, you look like a Maria. I have awesome stories and was one of the first people to ever purchase contact lenses for which I had to take out a loan.

(Maria and Judy share stories and giggle with each other until Judy leaves for another party... But not without swapping e-mail addresses with her new best friend.)

SCENE TWO:

(Maria walks across the yard clutching her cold beer thinking to herself, "Thank GOD for liquor.")

Drunk woman: I'm sorry. I have to ask. (Quiets to a whisper and squeezes one eye shut) How ooold are you?

Maria: (exasperated) TWENTY-TWO! I should just start wearing my license around my neck.

(Maria continues on her path walking past her brother and his hoodlum wrestling friends.)

Tyler: SHAVE YOUR BEARD!

SCENE THREE:

(Maria, mom and dad are standing in a circle with the hostess of the party talking about life.)

Mrs. S: So how's being home?

Maria: Oh it's nice. Lots of down time.

Mom: Yea, it's just hard for her because she has no friends here.

Dad: She went from being in college with all her friends to being here with us. She needs some friends here.

(Maria purses her lips and raises her eyebrows. This story has been repeated too many times. She takes a sip from her beer and doesn't notice the wheels spinning inside Mrs. S' head.)

Mrs. S: (grabs Maria's hand and drags her to a circle of six older people.) THIS is Maria. She is a wonderful girl who just graduated college and has no friends here. Maria, (she points to one woman) this is my cousin. She has a very nice son who just graduated Michigan State. Talk to each other.

(Maria feels awkward conversing with Mrs. S' cousin. Everyone in the circle enjoys the spectacle of a friendless stranger being set up with an absent relative. They laugh often and lean in to hear all about Maria.)

Cousin 1: Well, why don't you give me your number and I'll give it to Tommy for when he comes back!

(Maria hands the woman a small piece of torn paper with her name and number on it and scampers away imagining Tommy's laughter when his mom hands him her number. Later that night, the cousins stand in unison and gather their belongings.)

Strange man: Did my wife get your number?

Christina on Greece

Maria: How was Greece?!

Christina: Girl it was fantastic. It was amazing.

Maria: Man. I'm jealous.

Christina: It's so... different there! I mean. Men are actually... respectful! What happened to guys here?

Maria: Haha I have no idea.

Christina: ... Girl I don't think men wax their eyebrows there.

Maria: What? Do guys do that here?

Christina: I meannnn..... Their eyebrows. There were some hairy, hairy men there.

Maria: Well. Greeks ARE notoriously hairy.

Thanks for calling, Jess and Christina!

The rest of you... get dialling.

Anyone need their lawn mowed?

Aaah family dinners. A time to feast on sarcasm, insult, and Vicki's delicious home cooking.

It was at said daily gathering that we could be found devouring the spoils of a newly purchased grill when all of a sudden the door bell rang. Weary of robbers and environmentalists, mom and I sent dad to deal with the interruption. He opened the door and adjusted his gaze to the pudgy ten year old standing on our porch. Mom and I tried to decipher the child's muffled request over the crunch of our perfectly salted peas. Dad closed the door and returned to the table with a smirk on his face.

Dad: The kid wanted to mow our lawn. He and his sister were pulling a wagon with a weed whacker and some wires and tools.

Dad chuckled as he scooped up some peas with his fork.

Dad: Hey! (he pointed his fork at me) You should go ask if they have any jobs!

This is what I'm dealing with, people. Send sympathy cards.

Ways to save money: Text Edition

Get wise friends instead of paying for therapy

3/1 JESS The kid is clueless. Drop the zero and get with a hero... Or just find someone better with no rhyme scheme involved

4/6 JESS You can take a picture of him and upload it to the blog with using less than five words... Epic tool. P.S. Try sleeping tonight. You are too nocturnal. I'm convinced you're part bat. Not in a gross way. Just in a nocturnal way.

4/15 TARA Ew to both of those. We are surrounded by tools.

Enlist overprotective relatives as bodyguards

3/23 JOE He better not be a bitch. If shit goes down and he can't protect you OOH I'll kill him.

Only be friends with entertaining people

3/6 JESS Booty call and mom. Now that's just two things I always put together.

3/27 ROOMMATE Dear Maria, sorry I got so drunk and acted like some sort of foolish monkey.

4/1 ERIN When I get home from class can I trade you my wine glass for a ham?

4/15 CHRISTINA Pretty soon girl I'll be lathering you with oil at the Boston Commons/ BU beach

4/16 SARAH Yea I'm here already starting my night off right with dollar beers and old men.

4/19 ZACH How could you not know? He sweated carrot juice.

4/24 P.I.C. When I came into work my boss goes, your eyes are all bloodshot. I'm like, oh yea it's allergies.

5/3 ALI Tara's eating pepperoni. 

Intern at an awesome office

3/27 JESS Are you coming in today?! There is an epic amount of new snacks.

Go to hockey games (not money saving, but worth the splurge)

3/28 DAD I just saw you on TV doing the pointing thing. (READ: calling the opposition's goalie a siv.)

3/30 ALI Just showered and still feel like I smell like beer and steak tips.

4/12 JOHN Sedan or SUV? We're in a charoal grey Honda minivan. I'll be the one flashing my nips @ you.

Random cheap entertainment

David at the Dentist? Or Joe at the surgeon?

3/20 JOE Haha oh well it makes me drool Fool. Tool. Pool. Cool. Mule. What are you doing? Being cruel? Hollaaa.

25 cent wing night.

4/4 STEVE We all know you're not going to the bar for a chicken wing.

The internet.

4/6 ALI I am not meeting your weird internet friends.

It's Coming: Graduation '09

E-mail at the internship...

MARIA:

Good morning everyone,

I can't believe April is almost over! 

Finals period and graduation are speeding toward me so Wednesday will be my last day in the office. I will be here today until 5 and Wednesday 9-5 if you have any work or wrap-up you would like me to do! 

Otherwise, I will see you Wednesday.

Thanks,
Maria

JESS:

:(
wahhhhhhhhh
wahhhhhhhhh

It's going to be a long Wednesday.

It's Coming: Graduation '09

This conversation actually occurred between my family and I via e-mail.

MARIA:

It's time...

... to choose Commencement Weekend events before tickets run out.

Please visit the link describing various activities. Discuss and let me know.
(My votes are for the Senior Champagne Reception and the Riverboat Cruise.)

Hit me back yo.

STEVE:

Yeah good calls, mom wont like most of those (the ones you didn't pick).

The only other potential I can see is the: Celebration '09

Note: I'm setting my priorities based on the fact that I will be 21 for this event.

P.S - Did you read all the notes for the Riverboat Cruise?  You might not be able to get on.
"This event is not [metally] handicapped accessible."

DAD:

I vote the same as you.

MOM:

I agree!!! YO!!!

Text messages are funny

Because my mom is crazy:

Feb 9 MOM: Stinky! Good luck to you and BU in the Beanpot! Northeastern SUCKS! Go BU! Woot! SMS after the game tell me when you guys win! Double woot!

Feb 23 MOM: Pean't butter jelly samich broomball queen with all bones in tact! Woot! Congrats on the first win!

Because sometimes I'm an easy target:

Feb 11 ERIN: There's seriously something wrong with you.

Feb 26 SEAN: [after telling him I was lost at the Bruins game] Get out of the men's room.

March 6 TARA: Oh dear, oh dear. What am I going to do with you?

March 6 JESS: I am going to have the America's Got Talent people sing you manhating Alanis Morisette songs.

March 15 SEAN: If you're late today, I will give you a bruise on the forehead.


Because my friends are funny:

Feb 9 CHRIS: 302. Tamer than Dakota Fanning's sex life.

Feb 16 ALI: Butternut whore squash.

March 12 JOE: Damnit Low-retta!

March 14 MEESH: I came back here and was everyone's clown.

March 15 CHRISTINA: Girl! I just left Don Peppes restaurant in downtown Queens, NY. There was a mafia table and I saw 3 of my future boyfriends who were all waitors there!

Because I'm the boss:

Feb 23 MARK: What are we wearing tonight, el capitan?

... so I carry back-up

March 6 STEVE: I'll come there and kick his ass if you want me to!

... which some of my friends should look into

March 12 MEESH: I look like I was abused last night. Oh wait I was. Sean beat me with a chair and made me bleed!


Words of wisdom for me and all you people out there:

March 18 CHRIS: Keep it clean.

Valentine's Weekend: The Breakdown

Valentine's Day 2009

(I guess I should have sent this to Ali BEFORE she purchased a dozen eggs for our first romantic event of the weekend: chucking eggs and happy couples.)

Dates: Ali, Michelle, Katie

Locations: Pour House, our apartment, Green Dragon, Big City

Memories:
(at Pour House) 

Strange Man: (consoling his friend who just faced rejection) Dude, it's ok. You know one thing about tonight. If they're out, they're single.

Maria: I wanna wake up where you are.
Ali: You do. Every day.

(at Green Dragon) 

Bouncer: (to Ali) That's a lot of singles. I know 

what you do for a living.

(a 75 year old man tries to pass us)
Ali: Sorry
Old Man: For what?
Ali: For being in your way.

(old man starts stroking Ali's torso)
Old Man: You'll never be in my way.

(an ex-convict takes a stool next to Ali)
Ex-con: I just got kicked out of Sissy K's for being in a bar fight.
EC's Scrawny Friend: Stop scaring the girl!

Two nights of dance parties to oldies in our apartment.

OJ: Tip your bartenders! Two dollars, not one. For giving you the nectar of life!

(at Big City)
Hot Bartender: You girls are nursing those beers. Do you need a shot to get you going?
Ali: We've been drinking for six days straight...
(bartender snaps around and begins pouring shots.)
Ali: I'm going to leave him your number.

Michelle: Ugh! The pole is in the way. DAMN YOU POLE!
(puches pole)

Final Funny Texts of 2008

It was a good year for my inbox...



Nov 13 ERIN: Don't get kidnapped, or else you have to forfeit your dance contest with Chris.

Nov 13 MARISSA: Yo I got the number to the "rejection" hotline so you can give that to the creeps that as for your number.

Dec 3 DREW: Emotions. Ugh makes me want to vomit.

Dec 4 NOELLE: Be careful what you wish for. I will not hesitate to go Twilight on your ass.

Dec 7 STEVE: Katie Perry!!!!

Dec 8 NICK: Should you be texting in class La'Maria?

Dec 10 SEAN: I nearly jumped out of a 6th story window today. Let's hope we both survive long enough to make it to the party. (in reference to finals week)

Dec 15 JOE: If you see the Zicam commercial look how big that girls smile is. It's absurd.

Dec 18 MOM: To prepare we first need to go out to lunch to get our strength up then to cupcake factory cuz... just cuz. Then hair salon! N'est pas?

Dec 21 DAD: I am outside walking for exercise so if you call and I do not answer then I will call back in five. We have gale force winds with light snow and a temp of about 15 degrees.

Dec 21 DAD: People here are wacky enough without ingesting helium.

Dec 31 JOE: Woteva batty boi.

Jan 1 CHRISTINA: Looking fine in 09! Was my quote of the night... How was Ann Harbor? (an honest question)

Jan 1 ALI: Oh sweet chocolate Christ.

Weirdos in Logan, and Other Tales From the Road. Chapter Five.

Forward
Chapter One: The Shadowboxing Magician
Chapter Two: Bug Eyes
Chapter Three: Lasso of Death
Chapter Four: Future Pilot
Chapter Five: Soldiers Making Out

We hear the clicking of her high heels as she makes her way from Belt 6 to Belt 4.

Steve and I are approaching one hour on the floor of Cleveland International.

The clicking grows louder and eventually stops four feet in front of Steve, Arv and I. The three of us look up to find a woman with big, blown out hair latch on to a scrawny soldier, who, like dozens more, is just returning from deployment.

The two start making out. Hardcore. Their two daughters videotape the whole thing saying, "Yea! Keep her there! Yea!"

This would have been a lot more disturbing without the visual.

An older gentleman approaches the couple and taps the soldier on the shoulder. The soldier removes his tongue from the woman's throat saying, "Yea?"

"Did you just come back sir?"

The soldier, without answering, continues to attack the woman's face with his mouth. The older man meekly says, "...oh... just wanted.. to thank you for everything... and... yea..."

The soldier acknowledges this, shakes the man's hand, apologizes for his short attention span and continues to make out with the woman as the older man walks away.

Later we see an older soldier greet his wife, grandchild and daughter. He hugs his wife for three second, hugs his daughter for two and pats his grandchild on the head.

"That's what happens," Steve observes. "When you get older, passion goes away. This guy's just like, 'Oh hey! What's up? Good to see you!'"

The Last 24 Hours

Things I've done:

• Become obsessed with Manhunters
• Given a presentation on the protests in Greece
• Taken a final exam
• Reintroduced the "Maria's excited bark" after seeing snow on the ground
• Made my Christmas list (it's in your inboxes, mom and dad)
• Had a dance party to Safety Dance with Ali

Conversations I've had:

Maria: Oh! You know that swimmer Michael Phelps? He's shooting a commercial right next to my apartment.
Yai: Why aren't you talking to him!
Maria: I can't just talk to him. There are security guards and police everywhere.
Yai: You go. You tell them your Yia-yia is 90 years old and wants an autograph.
Maria: Yai... you're not 90.
Yai: Lie.


[Via e-mail]
Dad: Please remember to bring the gift certificate when you come home.
Maria: It's already in my wallet beeyotch.
Dad: That is improper spelling.


Maria: EEEEPPP.
Ali: You make weird noises.

Countdown to Freedom: Maria’s Checklist

12/9: Theories and Processes of Communication final paper presentation

12/11: Theories and Processes of Communication final paper due

12/12: Office party (woo)

12/13: Secret Santa with 426

12/15: Cultural Anthropology final paper due

12/16: Conflict Res and Negotiation presentation

12/16: Conflict Res and Negotiation final exam

12/18: Cultural Anthropology final exam

12/19: Theories and Processes of Communication final exam

12/20: FLY HOME

My personal bodyguards may need to be sedated.

My brothers are psychotic.

Don't get me wrong...

I love having protective brothers. I love knowing I could just say one word and they'd be there to back me up, no questions asked. It's almost unheard of for someone to have your back like that no matter what the situation, no matter what the back story.

This is why you should be scared.

Their protective instincts sometimes interfere with even the last salvageable ounce of rationality usually present in a human being. Especially when my brothers are in Boston and see guys even glance at me.

Joe's favorite thing to do is stare guys down and mutter one or two profane threats just loud enough so I can hear it, knowing the other guy sees his rage and sincerity. Steve gets a little more worked up. He still stares guys down but he usually says, "what the fuck?!" and rambles about it for a little, clearly planning a course of action in his head.

Their threats have evolved into extremely creative and intricate declarations over the years. My mother thinks this is especially hilarious.

Which is why, I presume, she decided to announce to the family, "Maria went on a date today!" Promptly after which I received a text from my little brother saying, "I'm the only Joe in your life." I had just walked in from the gym. When I looked online, he had messaged me demanding details.

Following the harassment, Joe directed me toward my last post of texts, telling me to look at the comments. He didn't like the anonymous text about someone saying they would choke slam me into a bed of nails.

Joe: Don't even start with me.
Maria: HAH.
Joe: Who is it?
...
Joe: Who needs a beating?
Maria: It was [redacted for protection]
Joe: Tell him this exactly:
...
Joe: My brother Joe says he's going to slice off your nutsack and feed it to you like it's grapes. Then beat your skull into pieces.



Don't let these angelic mugs fool you... These boys don't mess around.

A smattering of special texts filling my inbox...

Oct 14 Noelle: I'll keep my eyes peeled for your bod on the sidewalk.

Oct 14 Food and the important men in my life:
Me: Just made the most delicious quesadillas ever.
Steve: Hah you better make me some when I'm there.
Joe: You better made me some son.
Dad: Phenomenal. Maybe we should cancel lunch reservations and have you cook for us?

Oct 14 Katie: I want a manfriend not a boyfriend.

Oct 15 Noelle: Crack open a book not a beer, look at words not pics.

Oct 16 Noelle: Failure is not in your vocabulary mimi. Yes the bomb diggity!

Oct 16 Noelle: P.S. These girls in my class didn't know who Tony Bennett was! I felt mad old to be born in the 80s.

Oct 17 Noelle: Forgot to tell you someone farted on the dance floor and of course I thought of you.

Oct 17 Mom: Chiggy belle! Getting ready to come see my babies!

Oct 17 Joe: I'm going to knock you out. You better not bark at me. I bought an electric collar just in case.

Oct 17 Joe: Fatty fatty boomba.

Oct 17 Erin: Ugh they finally turned on the heat at work and now I'm sweating cheap beer.

Oct 17 Erin: Article in the freep: "twitter, stalking on a whole new level." I thought of you.

Oct 17 Anonymous: I'm going to choke slam you into a bed of nails.

Oct 18 Katie: Ich bin nicht eine crack pot.

Oct 19 Ali (after Red Sox loss): I'm walking into oncoming traffic.

Oct 28 Noelle: I wish he had an Asian fetish!

Oct 28 Noelle: I just can't figure out his type. He just likes white women? That's so old.

Nov 2 Alexis: I just said poop and my friend was like uh did you just say poop... I was like yea it's Maria's fault.

Nov 5 Drew: You know Mrs. Obama got the presidential treatment last night.

I may have laughed too much this weekend. My stomach definitely doesn't hurt from push ups.

This was a very eventful weekend for me. Nichole declared Friday "bring your intern home from work" day. Saturday was the infamous neighborhood block party.

It all started bright and early Friday morning on the bus ride to work.

Nichole: Pack your little Hello Kitty bag and tell Michael to get you in Novi tomorrow.
Maria: Mother of pearl this is the biggest bag ever.
Nichole: Do hoochie shorts and tube tops take up that much room?

Later at work:

Nichole: Did you remember to pack your fake ID?

In the car on the way to Novi:

Nichole: I hate when little kids are on Facebook.
Maria: Why are you friends with little kids on Facebook?

Driving to happy hour:

Andy: Do you even know who Michael Keaton is? Were you even alive for the first Batman?
Maria: I think so. Anything after '87.
Andy: She's as old as Top Gun!

Later, at the bar:

Maria: Seriously that guy just pushed a drink over to your area. Don't drink it.
Nichole: You guys! Drink this!

The next day, after having left Nichole's:

Nichole: I am going to make sure you didn't steal something and hide it in your carpet bag. Tell Vicki to turn it up!

Later that night, my family and I attended the neighborhood block party. Or should I say, dad attended the block party while mom and I watched fifteen people huddle under one tent as torrential downpours throttled them. When the weather broke, I joined the party. The only people who wanted to talk to me were 85 and completely oblivious to the words leaving my mouth. I went inside for a sweatshirt but fell asleep instead.

Some time later, in the basement:

Mom: Wake up and make yourself look pretty. The jello shots are out.

Approaching the crowd:

Matt: Everyone! Stop what you're doing! Maria has joined us!
Dave: Hah! Sleep lines.

Some time later:

Matt: Stop pretending you don't know how to open a beer. Your dad knows you drink.
Maria: I'm going to punch you.
Matt: Why aren't we MySpace friends.
Maria: Because I'm not 13 and you're creepy?
Dad: Tell him about Twitter!

Playing flip cup with older people is sometimes challenging. I was off my game but that was nothing compared to Matt's aunt.

Maria: Kick her in the legs when it's her turn and take the cup for her.
Rebecca: Let's knock out her knees Kerrigan style!

Sitting by the camp fire at 1 AM:

Dad: I think I'm going to sneak to bed.
Maria: I'll come with you.
Dad: NO! Then they'll notice me leaving! You stay here for as long as you want.

Conversations from the home front.

Dad: Why do you even bother with conversations like that?
Me: ... I don't know. I guess I just want... what's the word? Begins with a "c."
Dad: Connection?
Me: No. Like closed.
Dad: ... closure...




...

Dad (coming out of the bar): I just got hit by a fat belly.

...



At Jazz Fest:
Me: I think that's a hooker.
Dad: Too bad your brother's not here. I hear he's a pimp.