To Be Installed in my first Big Girl Apartment

Last night the girls and I watched Sex and the City (the movie), which I had not seen for (if you know me) obvious reasons.

This Heineken commercial (sent by my dad) was stuck in my head during the closet scene.






(can I have both?)

Pictures to show you how crazy the year was.*

*The links have more juicy details.

New Year's Eve 2008.


The room situation in 2008.


Boogying.


Valentines 2008 at the Slackers concert.


Spring Break Two Thousand Great: London.


At Archangel in London. Yes. My tights tore while I was out.


With Chrissy Poo, our host, at Imperial.


...and then we had a pillow fight.


On the London Eye. I told her to stay away from the window.


Spring Break London.


Some crazy fool in London.


Birthday dance with Zachary.


Birthday dinner. Happy 21st to me!


On a roof for Marathon Monday.


Semi-Annual End Of Semester binge.


Last day at COM Student Services.


Stanley Cup.


Ann Arbor. New friends, new experiences.


The Infamous Wednesday.


Nichole was such a slave driver. Look how she's forcing me to hold the monkey.

Emily's birthday. This was before she started rapping.


Going Away Luau.


The Semi-Annual Back To School Binge.


Many action shots were taken this year.


Parents Weekend and a visit from the family.


The hottest costume this Halloween.


Sometimes these things happen.


Being attacked.


Attacking Brian with my weapon. (I was the girl from Kill Bill, obviously.)


Christina H at An Tua Nua!


The typical scene at An Tua Nua.


Senior Hard Hat Party.


Dancing and singing at Com Prom.


Noelle's famous Pirate Eye.


Our first Thanksgiving feast.


Chi Phi formal: Reunion with Meaghan, our old roommate.


Thanksgiving with the cousins.


Chrissy Poo and the end of 20 Wads.


Secret Santa and holiday dinner.


Ice skating with cousin Anna.


Dancing our way into 2009.


New Year's Eve 2009: Ann Arbor.


It's going to be a good one. I can feel it.

The Closest I Came To Beating Someone: 2008 Edition

[one of] The most infuriating encounter of 2008 occurred in October at two in the morning in the lobby of my dorm.

Noelle and I had just come back from An Tua Nua. We live in different towers and were not ready to go to our rooms so we talked behind the guard booth for a while. Two guys approached us even though we were clearly deep in conversation. Most of my replies were lies because I wasn't in the mood to be nice.

Guy: Hey you guys were at An Tua Nua.

Maria: No. (turns away)

Guy: Hey are you in the School of Management?

Maria: Yea. I'm talking to my friend.

Guy: Me too! How does it feel to know you'll never be as good as a man? When you graduate, you'll never make as much as a man. How does that feel? You'll be washing my dishes and doing my laundry!

All I heard was his condescension echoing in the deafening silence that followed. I was so blindsided by this asshole that it took me a little while to react. Noelle and I looked at each other wondering how the hell this ignorant, delusional chauvinist could be standing right there in our dorm, in the middle of Boston, saying these things.

People who know me wouldn't consider me a feminist. You don't need to be a feminist to be enraged by people like this. I wanted to punch him in the jaw but the two guards were watching the entire ordeal and it wasn't worth being kicked out of housing.

Instead, I hit him (figuratively) where guys like that are most vulnerable: his manhood. I started laughing while saying, "yea. My goals in life are to serve you. YOU are so amazing!"

I said goodnight to Noelle and walked to my tower screaming back to them, "Have fun trying to get laid! At least you two boys have each other!" and other things that shouldn't be repeated. One of the guards collapsed with heart palpitations because of my language so I got in the elevator and stormed upstairs.

If I see that kid again, I will beat him.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION #1: Beat ass if necessary. Sometimes physical violence is the most appropriate option.

Better than Miami, New York and even Vegas.

I snuck through the crowded parking lot imagining all the ways my long black scarf could be used to strangle me. Someone could be hiding under that rusty, old van waiting to tackle me to my death.

If they think I won't fight back, they're sadly mistaken.

Today my mom and I visited the Oakland County Circuit Court so she could be sworn in as a notary public. A policewoman stopped us at the metal detectors and instructed us to return our phones to the car; no cameras were allowed. This is when I set out on my mission.

I grabbed my mom's cell phone, looked her in the eyes and said determinedly, "Give me the keys. I'll take care of this."

I walked through the exit, eyes wide open, careful not to let any future clues slip my sight. The authenticity of CSI: Miami was confirmed when I eyed a large bus with tinted windows, clearly used to transport criminals.

I walked with conviction along the sidewalk, examining each car I passed for anything unusual. My mind fell victim to fantasy (and perhaps too much TV.)

...

A camera pans across the parking lot, weaving through a neat line of cars belonging to the dozens of people leaving the circuit court. The camera finishes with the lot and focuses in on me, CSI Maria.

I am wearing sunglasses. Sporadic, but obviously natural, gusts of wind move my hair so that it bounces catching the light in just the right places. The gun strapped to my hip warns people not to fuck with me.

All of a sudden, a gun shot rattles the winter silence. People scream and duck by cars and bare trees, anxiously using purses and limbs to shield small children and geriatrics. I stealthily remove my gun from the holster and point it into the air while screaming, "Get down!" I call for back-up on my walkie talkie as I walk in a half squat.

I spot something. My peripheral vision is better than the straight-on vision of a pilot in the Air Force.

Oh no he didn't.

The shooter is trying to make a getaway. He's on foot.

"Stop where you are!" I warn him. But like most criminals, he doesn't listen. He has no idea who he's messing with.

The shooter takes off into the woods. I break out in a sprint faster than my dad racing my brothers for the last piece of mom's carrot cake. Gun in hand, I leap over branches and abnormally large stones while chasing after the shooter. He's slowing down. I fire some shots for effect.

I'm gaining on him.

I tear a large branch from a tree I'm passing and throw it at the perpetrator's back. It's enough to send him flying. When I reach him, I step on his back smearing his face in a large pile of wolf droppings. If I wasn't so excited about torturing him in the interrogation room, I'd leave him for the wolves.

Instead, I alert my extremely attractive (but inferior in speed) male partner that, once again, I've caught the bad guy. I kneel on his spine and pull the shooter's arms behind his back.

"You run slower than my 85 year old yia yia, who's legs resemble chopped off 300 year old tree stumps," I whisper in his ear as I cuff him.

...

Back in the real world, I locate mom's car and put our phones in the glove compartment. A convict stares me down as I re-enter the court. I go to finger my gun just to realize there's nothing there. I pick up the pace so the elderly police woman can protect me if anything should happen.

Some expert advice: If you're ever attacked, fight back and leave DNA so there will be a trail when the detectives come looking.

Anyway... It didn't take long for mom to be sworn in. We left court and started driving out of the complex. My skin tingled as we passed the medical examiner's office. I let my mind drift to the ME's slab and the murder victim who's death I was about to solve.

Enough with the cities. I should sell the rights to (and star in) a new series called CSI Maria.

Jerry Bruckheimer... Call me!

Final Funny Texts of 2008

It was a good year for my inbox...



Nov 13 ERIN: Don't get kidnapped, or else you have to forfeit your dance contest with Chris.

Nov 13 MARISSA: Yo I got the number to the "rejection" hotline so you can give that to the creeps that as for your number.

Dec 3 DREW: Emotions. Ugh makes me want to vomit.

Dec 4 NOELLE: Be careful what you wish for. I will not hesitate to go Twilight on your ass.

Dec 7 STEVE: Katie Perry!!!!

Dec 8 NICK: Should you be texting in class La'Maria?

Dec 10 SEAN: I nearly jumped out of a 6th story window today. Let's hope we both survive long enough to make it to the party. (in reference to finals week)

Dec 15 JOE: If you see the Zicam commercial look how big that girls smile is. It's absurd.

Dec 18 MOM: To prepare we first need to go out to lunch to get our strength up then to cupcake factory cuz... just cuz. Then hair salon! N'est pas?

Dec 21 DAD: I am outside walking for exercise so if you call and I do not answer then I will call back in five. We have gale force winds with light snow and a temp of about 15 degrees.

Dec 21 DAD: People here are wacky enough without ingesting helium.

Dec 31 JOE: Woteva batty boi.

Jan 1 CHRISTINA: Looking fine in 09! Was my quote of the night... How was Ann Harbor? (an honest question)

Jan 1 ALI: Oh sweet chocolate Christ.

Scrabble Master Maria Fights to Hold Title

Happy New Year kids!

The reason I haven't posted in a while is that I have been holed up in the basement learning strange new words whereby to beat Joe's ass in Scrabble. It has become an intense rivalry, averaging a few games laden with creative shit-talking and dirty looks.

It all started with the old ladies, who didn't really get the concept of the game.



Dad turned it up a notch by forming coherent and tactical words.




Joe has been a menacing cheater since day one.



Desperation has forced us to learn strange new words while filling a few interesting boards (notice "keg" and "gat" at the mid-right section):


After holding the position of Ultimate Scrabble Champion for some time, the little shit finally beat me. I'll tell you one thing. I'll never play while Law and Order SVU is on again.

Gotta love winter break.