Bitchin Beard: Another use for toothpicks

THIS may be the most bitchin-est beard I've ever seen. Did the girl taking the video seriously count out 2,222 toothpicks? The end result looks like a Chia Pet.

QUACK. QUACK. QUACK. QUACK.

There are two reasons why I have been and will continue to quack all week.

1. Our Broomball team, Gordon Bombay, had their first game last night.
2. I am going to the Bruins vs. Ducks game Thursday.
   

So we decided to organize a Broomball team for our last semester in college. It looks something like this (except Team Gordon Bombay looks less goofy and more fierce):


I most closely resemble Emilio Estevez, so naturally I am Captain of this team. You may have thought I was physical-activity-challenged, but I assure you I am a beast in the face of competition.


Here are some of our team strategies:

1. Growl
2. Scream
3. Push (but don't get a penalty)

We're still working on the logistics. But last night we were victorious. (Do I smell championships in the distance?) Our final score was 3-1 but I'll just call it 4-0 because Team GB scored all four goals.

Our team is amazing. All the guys are superstars who have at some point played hockey (or some aggressive alternative.) All the girls are vicious. Christina has some sweet dance moves when being goalie. Michelle took out a bag of frozen peas as soon as we got home. She landed on her knees three times. I hope she can walk today.

I just want to get back on the ice! After I graduate (in less than three months) I'll have to enroll in an aggressive yet relatively easy-on-the-bones (no breaks) activity. Suggestions welcomed.

Our next game is March 23. There is much to do until then.

1. Design and order team shirts
2. Memorize some motivational quotes from Mighty Ducks
3. Work on my growl
4. Find a photographer
   

Does anyone know a good place to order customized t-shirts???

Valentine's Weekend: The Breakdown

Valentine's Day 2009

(I guess I should have sent this to Ali BEFORE she purchased a dozen eggs for our first romantic event of the weekend: chucking eggs and happy couples.)

Dates: Ali, Michelle, Katie

Locations: Pour House, our apartment, Green Dragon, Big City

Memories:
(at Pour House) 

Strange Man: (consoling his friend who just faced rejection) Dude, it's ok. You know one thing about tonight. If they're out, they're single.

Maria: I wanna wake up where you are.
Ali: You do. Every day.

(at Green Dragon) 

Bouncer: (to Ali) That's a lot of singles. I know 

what you do for a living.

(a 75 year old man tries to pass us)
Ali: Sorry
Old Man: For what?
Ali: For being in your way.

(old man starts stroking Ali's torso)
Old Man: You'll never be in my way.

(an ex-convict takes a stool next to Ali)
Ex-con: I just got kicked out of Sissy K's for being in a bar fight.
EC's Scrawny Friend: Stop scaring the girl!

Two nights of dance parties to oldies in our apartment.

OJ: Tip your bartenders! Two dollars, not one. For giving you the nectar of life!

(at Big City)
Hot Bartender: You girls are nursing those beers. Do you need a shot to get you going?
Ali: We've been drinking for six days straight...
(bartender snaps around and begins pouring shots.)
Ali: I'm going to leave him your number.

Michelle: Ugh! The pole is in the way. DAMN YOU POLE!
(puches pole)

Your mom's husky!

My Monday consisted of severe harassment from my boss, a Northeastern alum, convinced BU would lose the 2009 Beanpot. Every time I passed his office, I'd hear him yell, "CHOKE!" or "LOSE!" Our insults and curses went back and forth for about a week.

And then came the championship game.

I had ten minutes to change by the time I got home from work. Dinner was a 50 mL Newcastle. Tara and I speed-walked to the T to meet Sean and Mike. A mass of red drowned the land.

Game time.

We took our seats and prepared for battle.

We put the Northeastern starting line in their place.

Northeastern Sucks from Maria F on Vimeo.

We sat next to the BU band who pumped us up during the night. They played Shipping Up To Boston to rile up the crowd.

Shipping Up to Boston! from Maria F on Vimeo.

The game went by fast. One ref took a puck to the face. There were several penalties. But that didn't stop the Terriers from scoring three shorthanded goals. SO exciting! Of course all the Huskies left when they realized they didn't have a chance.

We stayed to sing, hug, laugh, cry and watch the banner fall. (go Dynamic Edition!)

The T ride home was fantastic, even though I was sandwiched between Tara, Sean and a stranger's armpit.

Singing on the T from Maria F on Vimeo.

On our way home we stopped at the Dugout, a bar on campus. It was full of red jerseys still cheering and singing. The hockey team eventually showed up in suits surrounded by their proud parents, siblings and a couple overdressed girls hoping to get lucky.

This is the most school spirit you will experience at BU. Singing in the Dugout on a Monday at 1 in the morning surrounded by the hockey team, Dean Elmore and your best friends.

Go Terriers!

(maybe next decade, Don...)

Cleaning out my inbox

You know the drill.* Share some funny texts. 

*These do not include several texts from my mother saying, "woot," "LOL" and "OMG."

Dec 27 DREW: I had no idea I was going to the hood till it was too late but once I was there I was shitting bricks. 

Jan 3 CHRISTINA: 2009 our year to shine! 

Jan 6 STEVE: No more CSI for you. 

Jan 14 ANON: I didn't want your dad beating me with a hockey stick like I was a rabid squirrel. 

Jan 15 ZACH: Get me my prune juice bitch! 

Jan 15 ALI: OMG there is some idiot grad student that sounds like Screech teaching my class. 

Jan 18 JOE: ... And it's deuce deuce and the tre deuce in my bubble goose. 

Jan 22 MOM: You didn't sms me last night Missy Misserina! 

Jan 24 ZACH: Yea sure. I'm dressed like a guido. If that's cool. 

Jan 26 JOE: What woman? I keep it pimpin. 

Jan 29 DREW: What's your e-mail? I got ringers. They're all young and in shape. 

Jan 29 DREW: Sent. Let the domination begin.

Feb 4 SEAN: Use your third grade karate skills on him. Be sure to pack your 9mm just in case. 

Feb 4 NOELLE: [redacted] said hi to me on the street today. I think what he really meant to say was will you be my Valentine. 

Feb 5 TARA: Hahaha best year ever! 

Feb 8 JOE: Afuck eyou.

P.S. I want these.

Michael's new endorsement.

Forget the apology... Let's talk about how Michael Phelps has become the poster boy for Roor Bongs.

Even before the medalist was caught touching his lips to one of these coveted pieces of glass, Roor Bongs were the high-end tools that marijuana connoisseurs contemplated and admired through specialty forums and smokey basements.

But Phelps is no ordinary pot smoker. He needs something special for those superhuman lungs of his. Since the photograph, Roor has become a high-performance bong. Roor has become the Bong of Champions. Roor has become the breast bong ever. (Get it? Breast... Stroke... get... no? Yea I made that one up myself.)

Let's see how many people customize their very own Roor Gold-Medal Worthy bong now that the brand has been exposed through tabloids everywhere.

This Phelps-Bong relationship could really go somewhere. I mean the money probably won't be as good as that from his other sponsors but Roor can probably customize some pretty intricate pieces for him.

Animal analyzed the bong in the picture concluding:

The German made, thick tubed, award winning water pipe features frosted glass diffusers instead of the more standardized rubber grommets and retails for between $120-150. Judging from the photo, it looks like the bong is from their 'Red' series that come in 3.2 mm thickness and range from 13-17 inches, except this one was custom emblazoned—for an additional charge—with a "V". For victory perhaps?

I would love to see what, if anything, Phelps' PR fiasco does for Roor's bottom line.


Additional Reading: Sally Jenkins' Big Bong Theory.

PETA: Brilliant or Desperate?

I'm going to lean toward desperate on this one.

Disclaimer: I am an unashamed and unrelenting meat eater. I have parts of four different animals in my fridge right now.

I'll give PETA a few points for identifying their audience fairly well, although I'm not sure that's very difficult considering the event. There will probably be several commercials with scantily clad women during the Super Bowl.

But is this commercial even effective? Will a couple naked girls licking pumpkins and broccoli convince people to put down their chicken wings and chili dogs and abstain from meat?

No.

These guys sum up some questions I had when I first saw the commercial: did they intend to create a commercial that would be rejected to stir up more controversy and attention? Is this really original?

(Conversation starts at about 1:18)


PETA Commercial Banned, Intentional? from Skip Wisconsin on Vimeo.

PETA appeals to the sex drive first by showing sexual acts and finally by claiming that vegetarians have better sex. What would have been effective is if they revealed which studies surmised this.

They probably didn't because it's not true.

A Slate article examines the claim more thoroughly with, you know, some actual facts.

Vegetarian diets tend to correlate with higher rates of zinc deficiency, which is closely associated with lower testosterone levels and depressed sex drives. Vegetarian women are also more likely to develop amenorrhea (loss of periods), a condition that's usually accompanied by low testosterone, vaginal dryness, and poor libido. Finally, the notion that overweight people are less sexually active isn't entirely accurate (for women, at least): A recent analysis published in the journal Obstetrics & Gynecology shows that overweight women might, in fact, be slightly more active.

Bottom line: PETA's advertising tactics have always revolved around shock value. This is really nothing new. Maybe PETA should take a tip from Jamie Oliver.